Oh, We Know What You’re Up To, Vice President Kamala Harris!
We see you and your allies trying to win over our proud Pennsylvanian voters. How corrupt do you think we are? You are insulting our intelligence, especially us cynical Philadelphians. We smell a rat.
Interstate 95 Miracle
First, you get your “ally” PA Governor Josh Shapiro, who you broke up with at the VP nominee altar just weeks ago, to somehow magically fix the catastrophically damaged Interstate 95 in 2 weeks flat. Yeah, I guess it’s his “job”, but we know by repairing such an economically critical lifeline to Philadelphia and the entire Northeast, you’re really just trying to buy our votes with your competence. Seriously, do you think we wouldn’t notice? I seethe every time I drive over it instead of being stuck in endless traffic like we expected, and curse the name of your LGBTQ Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg and his stupid effectiveness too. He’s always blah blah blah’ing on Fox news with his “logic” and “facts”, and it’s really just getting tiresome.
Smooth Schuylkill Expressway
Worse yet, you PANDER to us by helping fund the repair and repaving of Interstate 76’s nightmare stretch in Philadelphia, the Schuylkill Expressway (pronounced here as SURE KILL). We LOVED those potholes, Harris! Whole ecosystems could live in them! How dare you. We know this entire thing is just a scam to buy our votes. I drove it last night. NOT ONE DAMN POTHOLE. It’s smooth as silk now. THIS IS NOT PHILADELPHIA!
Bipartisan Infrastructure Bill
But I’m just getting started. I know you and your dark overlord Joe Biden were responsible for crafting the so-called “bipartisan infrastructure bill”, tricking a handful of Republicans into joining you to repair and replace our nation’s aging infrastructure. You even tricked both of our Senators Bob Casey and John Fetterman into supporting it! No doubt, that’s how your buddy Shapiro got the funds to repair the Sure Kill and I-95. How can we call it the Sure Kill anymore if it’s so damn safe? You’re robbing us of our cultural heritage!
Lower Gas Prices
Adding insult to injury, we’ve had these lower gas prices all summer long. How can we enjoy griping and complaining with friends and family when gas prices go DOWN? I’ve even seen some grocery prices going down! Stop stealing our grievances from us. It’s just more annoying competence, obviously aimed at buying votes. We won’t fall for your tricks.
Summer Trips and Infrastructure Repairs
Anyway, since gas prices are down, I decided to get out camping in our beautiful Appalachian mountains and down the shore in Jersey and Delaware for a bunch of trips this summer. What do I see? Yeah, another one of your tricks, I’m certain. INFRASTRUCTURE REPAIRS EVERYWHERE! Bridges getting replaced from the Catskills to the Poconos to the Alleghenies. Highways repaved and widened in neighboring New Jersey, Delaware and Maryland. Just stop it, already. We know you’re just trying to buy our votes. It’s so transparent. That down-the-shore traffic is our birthright, and you’re trying to steal it from us!
Jobs and Economic Growth
Oh, there’s more, too. I’m hearing rumblings about manufacturing jobs and high tech jobs and green jobs. Seriously??? First you try to buy our votes with improved infrastructure, and now you try to buy our votes by providing good paying jobs and positioning our economy for the future with your stupid CHIPS Act and the Inflation Reduction Act’s green investments? I really just can’t with you, Kamala Harris.
Student Debt and the Supreme Court
Fortunately, your reach is not soooo far yet. The Supreme Court has made sure you haven’t been able to forgive all that student debt you promised to. Thank baby Jesus those poor suckers have to pay those loans forever, unlike earlier generations who could afford to pay for college more easily. But I bet you and nefarious Joe Biden have a plan to reform the court and get them under your thumb too. It’s just a matter of time if you’re elected, isn’t it?
Tim Walz’s Non-Toxic Masculinity
Oh yeah, tell your buddy Tim Walz we don’t like his nice-guy non-toxic-masculinity pandering either. Just because he owns some cool guns and is a great marksman, served for decades in the Army National Guard, coached a high school football team to a state championship, and wears macho camo gear doesn’t mean he’ll be one of the boys here! Sure, I’d go ice fishing or snowmobiling with him, and maybe ask him for some help fixing my truck. But that doesn’t mean I have to vote for him!
Conclusion
So really, Kamala Schmamala, we see what you’re doing. We don’t like it one bit. Pennsylvanians enjoy suffering and complaining. All this Democratic effectiveness and competence is just a bunch of pandering. We see through you, and well, maybe we should vote for you to get more of it, just this once. But we sure won’t like it.
