DonkeyHotey / Flickr Donald Trump Caricature...
DonkeyHotey / Flickr

As many of you might already know, I used to make a living as a stand up comic. My job description literally was to find really stupid shit people said or did that nobody else noticed, and then tell everybody about it so they could see how funny it was. And with the antics of the Trump Troupe, I’m seriously considering coming out of retirement, at least for a couple of open mic nights.

The Combover Orangutan got us off on the right foot early. In answering a question in a photo op, about whether or not he was worried about what Jeff Sessions had to say to Special Counsel Robert Mueller in his interview, Trump replied, “No, not worried at all. Jeff is going to do a great job. I’m not worried at all.” ~ sigh ~ OK Dimwit Donnie. First of all, Jeff Session is not going to “do a great job.” Whatever he said, good or bad, he’s not going to do it, he already has done it! And this ain’t the Senate Judiciary committee, Sessions can’t just refuse to answer questions because he was talking to your silly self, he had to answer what he was asked. And second, speaking personally, If my own brother was talking to the FBI about me, I’d be worried, especially if I had publicly been slapping the shit out of him the way Trump did with Sessions. Either Trump is telling a self serving lie to look like all tough and stuff, or that cognitive test Dr Jackson gave him last week wasn’t worth shit. Take your pick.

And the good times just kept rolling in the daily briefing. Sarah Cluckabee Slanders, not wanting to answer questions about Trump, and Comey and Sessions, trotted out a dog-and-pony-show duo of Gary Cohn and HR McMaster to talk about the Davos trip to Switzerland instead. Gary Cohn settled the argument once and for all as to whether or not you have to make a lick of common sense in order to get filthy rich. Cohn said that Trump is going to take his “America first” message to Davos. Ummm, Gary? The night crawlers in $5,000 suits attending the Davos shindig are by nature elite globalists. Telling them that the US comes first, and the rest of them can fight over scraps kind of goes against the thrust of the agenda. Then Goofy Gary followed that up with this thigh slapper, “President Trump is going to tell them that America is open for business.” Uh, yeah. Cuz nothing says “We’re open for business” quite like slapping a 30% tariff on foreign imports. And trashing much every major trade agreement the US has ever signed as being a total pooch screw in favor of everybody else but us. And he closed his peyote fueled statement by saying that “Trump will tell them that ‘America first’ doesn’t mean America only.” Of course not silly. America first means that everybody can do exactly what the US tells them to do, or go pound sand. With talking points like those, Trump’s trip to Davos is going to go over like a modern day Hindenburg.

Being a lifetime military man, HR McMaster tried his best to walk between the land mines, but he still managed to blow his leg off. Upon being asked about his role in this trip, McMaster said something along the lines of “What you have to realize is that economic security is a matter of national security.” Sure, cuz I can totally see President Xi sending a hit team out gunning for Trump if he doesn’t let China keep ripping us off. He doesn’t need to do that. All he has to do is to instruct his Ambassador to the US to have a little fireside chat with Jared Kushner to set the record straight. But I do see his point about national security. When his boss can’t even take a trip to fucking England without the route to the embassy being lined by locals holding pitchforks and torches, I can see where a little overtime for the Secret Service might be in order.

Slanders herself closed this Keystone Kops revue by referring all questions regarding the Russia investigation to outside counsel. This is nothing new. Back during the Lewinsky scandal, Clinton’s press secretary used to say the same thing. The big difference is that when Clinton’s press secretary said that, Clinton knew enough to KEEP HIS BIG, FAT MOUTH SHUT! When you’re never more than two stubby thumbs away from Hair Twitler blowing you out of the water, it kind of tends to dilute your sleight of hand. Slanders was confronted with that today, by a reporter asking, “How can you say that when the President has already spoken out on it?”, and Two Face Sarah replied, ” know he has, but I’m referring you back to outside counsel.”

So, fear not my friends. With the Josef Goebbels in a dress going back to being paid to lie to us again, your late night viewing pleasure will not be disrupted. Late night talk show hosts may not have time for any guests with this kind of comedy fire hose to work with.

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