Dear Kevin McCarthy, members of the Sedition Caucus and sorry remnants of the Republican party. Congratulations on your Big Victory! Few would’ve expected someone with as abysmal a record as Donald Trump’s would win re-election, so you must be awfully proud! Perhaps next time you’ll remember to obtain some sort of evidence of actually having won — a majority of votes, electoral college points, stuff like that — because as every single one of you very well know, winning an election without any proof of having won is called “losing an election” and has been since the very earliest days of civilization. If you don’t like it, you’re welcome to start your own brand new civilization, because let’s face it, this one no longer seems like a good fit. And seriously, with leaders like Donald Trump, JFK Jr. and the mysterious “Q,” how could you possibly go wrong? We’ll have a chat with the Russians and see if they can set you up with something nice up in their Very Exclusive northern regions. Although some of your fellow countrymen may look askance, the rest of us are breathing a HUGE sigh of relief to see you and Russia have become such close friends. Guess you and the “Evil Empire” had more in common than you thought! Well, that’s all for now, we have literally a whole world of stuff we need to attend to and you’ve probably got a big Victory Bash planned so,
Cheerio, Auf Wiedersehen, Sayonara, Ciao etc. Sincerely,
The People of the United States and All the Other Nations In The World
There are a couple other reasons why Donald Trump shouldn’t be President anymore I’ll briefly summarize in a second. But first, apologies for my absence lately. Although I’ve started painting and posting signs again, I’ve been trying to write about other things. I’m sure you all know how hard it can be to feel like you’re doing justice to people and ideas that are especially important to you in words. A couple of weeks ago I was writing a long-overdue eulogy for someone very special in general, but particularly to me, and it just became excruciating. Not from grief, but just the writing itself — where each word felt like the last drop being wrung from a cloth. I’d spent half an hour on a single sentence that ended up sounding just as tortured as I’d felt writing it and realized it was time for a break.
Click. Nothing like Reddit to instantly drain away whatever’s on your mind.
Oh look! Someone’s replied to one of my comments!
“You can hold the opinion that trump wasn’t a good president but I have a problem when you can’t justify it. I can give 10 reasons off the top of my head for why Biden simply put, sucks, but I can only think of that one time trump kind of undermined the military but other than that his policy was fantastic. Can you justify why you don’t like trump?”
Y’know it’s funny: when I’m trying to describe the things I cared about in a person I cared about for an audience I care about, every goddam word gets sweated out drop by drop. But some asshole on Reddit who’s probably 14 writes crap like the above and suddenly my words like the mighty Mississippi flow. What follows is what came out of me immediately after reading the comment, how I learned Reddit had a 10,000 character limit per comment, and what should’ve been blasted across America like a Wall of Sound. (Full Disclosure: some of the pageant-peeping part was cut and pasted from a previous story called Spelunking into the Ugliness & 8 lines beginning with “your big hero’s known as literally one of the biggest assholes who’s ever stepped onto the world stage…” is from “Ask the Bastards Why” — the rest was just common sense.) I’ve broken it up a bit with some of my new signs, and feel free to skim or just scroll: the emphasis here being that this started pouring out of me within two minutes of a half-hour sentence.
Apparently ignorance has become my inspiration,
stupidity now my muse…
“Can I justify why I don’t like Trump? Why yes, I believe I can!
First off, he’s a braggart. Find one person in history who was both a braggart and considered good. (Hint, there’s one, but it ain’t Trump.) Also feel free to use a fictional character, or Biblical, or from theater.
Go back as far as you like. That braggarts suck is one of the few timeless and cross-cultural human constants. While you’re doing that, let’s go chronologically for a bit. One of his first forays into politics was the Central Park five Ad condemning those who were found innocent – not retracted or, obviously, not apologized for. As they say, it takes a big man to apologize. When you’re done finding the good braggart you can get started looking for evidence of Trump apologizing for anything.
Next… ah yes, the birth certificate! Well, obviously ol’ Donnie must’ve come up with SOMETHING to justify all that blather. Why just the “things his people are finding in Hawaii that you’re not gonna believe…” would be nice to see. Oh dear! Seems like all that juicy evidence isn’t available anymore – dog ate it perhaps. I’m guessing a Trump supporter would think “Yes, it got lost or a dog ate it.” Am I right? Anyway, cynic that I am, seeing the evidence would be nice – otherwise one might get the feeling there was no evidence (and Obama being dark-skinned doesn’t count.) So, there’s that. Mind you, if he’d said something along the lines of “My interests in this matter are for one reason: to prove the birth requirement is utter BS, for if we were to go by it we’d miss out on the sterling character of this man Barack Hussein Obama, whose calm strength I for one can only happily stand in the shadow of.” (If you can find him saying that – that’d be cool too.)
We’ll just briefly touch upon the humiliation that is John Barron – you know, the fake publicist he pretended to be in an attempt to make his being super rich and successful and happy, with women lining up and clamoring to date him, including Madonna, somehow an objective addition to the public record. Now, there was a time I’ll admit when I would’ve thought such a ruse was pretty cool: but then I turned five and realized how absolutely pathetic someone would have to be to do that.
Let’s bypass the shameless wankfest of self-promotion that was Trump in the 90’s & aughts, the bankruptcies, failed marriages, slapping the shit out of Don Jr in front of his dorm-mates cuz he wasn’t wearing a suit to a baseball game and go on to the campaign. What’s that? Mexico’s sending murderers and rapists? Odd thing to say, perhaps he has some proof before demeaning some of the weakest members of the society. You’d think some sort of evidence would be called for, before going to war with Mexico over what I guess would have to amount to a years-long Mariel boatlift. But he didn’t go to war with Mexico – guess he’s okay with their sending us their rapists and murderers. Seems a bit cowardly if you ask me, but perhaps cowardice isn’t a bad thing where you’re from. Aren’t cultural differences fascinating?
Me? I have nothing against people who risk their lives to make 10 times as much money as they would in the slums of Tegucigalpa, especially when so much of their motivation appears to be to send the money back so their families can have better lives. I’m guessing you don’t know a whole lot about 3rd world poverty – well, by the time you factor in the earning power in the USA to the buying power the dollar has against the Honduran Lempira, that guy’s labor’s worth about 30 times as much. And God Bless them especially if they’re kids – setting off into the world on the high road to adventure… reminds me of myself at that age. Also reminds me what a total piece of shit some rich boy who had everything in his life handed to him would have to be to launch his candidacy by demeaning such people.
Quick stop by the table full of files and obviously untouched reams of paper that were “all the paperwork he’d had to fill out” to separate himself from his business interests. Also Bullshit. And Michael Flynn already sucking up to the Russians before the term began – I suppose you’d have him doing that all by his lonesome with no collaboration from Trump because of course you would.
Day One, lies about inaugural crowd size through Sean Spicer, although again I’ll guess you think that was probably Ol’ Sean just going rogue don’t you. Well, not me – it seems to fit in perfectly with the poor damaged freak’s MO of “Look at me everybody! Look at me! I’m the VERY BEST at EVERYTHING!” Thus kicking into gear what will be the most extended detail-oriented ritualistic display of Public Masturbation since… Nope, I think he might’ve actually taken top spot on that one. Even Caligula had more class and restraint.
Day Two, tries to silently have all sanctions removed from Russia. “Oh, No Particular Reason…” Idiot thought he could actually do that and like… nobody would notice? Jesus.
Hey, y’know what? We’re getting ahead of ourselves, I forgot all about some of the Really Special little bumps along the ol’ Campaign Trail. Time for Great Moments in Presidential Campaigning. Might as well start with the Big Hit:
“I did try and fuck her. She was married. I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. I just start kissing them. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything—grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”
Makes the old heart just swell with pride doesn’t it? Because who but the finest men think that way? And what fine upbringings they must’ve had to think talking that way was any kind of appropriate? Perhaps if there was some sort of social club for brain-damaged rapists, but shy of that – no. Not in any society I’d ever be a part of. Pleased to say everyone I’ve ever voluntarily spent any time with looks at that sort of thought as utterly contemptible in every sense of the word. Okay, let’s you, me and the Donald stop by Jefferey Epstein’s place. What’s that you say Don?
“I’ve known Jeff for 15 years. Terrific guy. He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it – Jeffrey enjoys his social life.”
“It is even said…” such an elaborate construction! Sounds as if poets and troubadours are all amazed by your… shared appreciation of beautiful women! Why, you ARE a rare bird now aren’t you! And many are on the younger side you say wink wink nudge nudge… I mean Jesus Fucking Christ, what a clueless loser: right up there with the John Barron “Oh that Donald Trump He’s so fabulously successful and happy all of the time because women from everywhere are just lining up to fuck him” fake publicist fiasco.
And we’ve gotta add some Super Special Bonus Points for… god, I still crack up over this…naming
his kid Barron. God. Damn. I wonder when Melania found out? That must’ve been fun: “You named our son after the fake publicist you pretended to be so people would think Madonna wanted to fuck
you? And you thought… what? I wouldn’t NOTICE?” And then from Barron, probably one of the lesser enthusiastic “Gee. Thanks Dad.”s in Presidential history, don’t you think?
Let’s pop by the Howard Stern Show, shall we? Okay Don… the mic’s all yours!
“Well, I’ll tell you the funniest is that I’ll go backstage before a show, and everyone’s getting dressed and ready and everything else, and you know, no men are anywhere. And I’m allowed to go in because I’m the owner of the pageant and therefore I’m inspecting it. You know, I’m inspecting, I want to make sure that everything is good.
You know, the dresses. ‘Is everyone okay?’ You know, they’re standing there with no clothes. ‘Is everybody okay?’ And you see these incredible looking women, and so, I sort of get away with things like that.”
Oh DO You? Oh, well that IS pretty special! And to think there could be people out there who might look askance at such wholesome good-natured not-at-all-creepy-or-fucked-up fun? Why on earth not?
I thought it might be fun if we dove a little deeper here. Sure we could just say “Man, what a gross, disgusting asshole, getting his jollies trying to peep on teenage girls…” and move on – ‘cuz there’s LOTS more ground to cover when it comes to personal shortcomings and character flaws in President Bonespurs “Pussygrabber” McSyphilis. But let’s stop and see just how many different layers of pure ugliness there are to be mined in just this one segment, shall we?
We’ll start with the basic ugliness of the concept and pedophiliac sentiment behind it, and of course the ugliness that it actually happened. There’s the ugliness of the man and his character, the ugliness of his voice, it’s smutty little tone and the ugly little way he describes it. There’s the ugliness of the fact he thinks it’s a story worth telling, and that he feels it’s something to brag about, both the story and its teller become exponentially uglier still. Of course there’s the ugly image we get in our minds of this pasty faced, flabby old pervert lurking around rooms full of young girls – his ugly, beady little eyes furtively leering at their bodies and whatever ugly little fantasies it inspires in him.
I’m not a big fan of beauty pageants myself, but you still gotta figure for these young girls this is a really big deal, most likely one of the most exciting times of their lives, so there’s the ugliness of having Pervy McSweats-a-lot walking in and ruining what should’ve been a culminating moment of their childhood. Multiply that by the ugliness of however many lifetimes of innocent memories he ruined. And add to it the ugliness that he’ll never understand or care about any of that.
Boy, that’s a whole lotta ugly, ain’t it? Any more?
Well, there’s the ugly fact that the man who said it became President of the United States and that most of people who voted for him did so knowing he’d said them. And you can slather on to that a big fat ugly layer of hypocrisy knowing any and probably every one of them would’ve damned a Democrat for even a fraction of the offense and they’re all still living here – in fact, I believe I’m chatting with one right now! But like beauty, ugliness too is in the ey3e of the beholder, right? So that fat leering old fuck bragging about shitting all over everyone’s childhood so he can get himself a chubby little boner might very well strike you as the very height of elegance and class!
Likewise, being a plutocratic, xenophobic, ultra-nationalistic, sexist, divisive, demonizing, anti-intellectual, nepotistic, fraudulent, gaslighting double-speaking, autocratic, jingoistic authoritarian might well appeal to you after you’ve looked them all up.
For all I know you think that Virus-Spreading, Bounty-Ignoring, Soldier-Insulting, Foul-mouthed, Pussy-Grabbing, Dictator-coddling, Draft-dodging, Pageant-Peeping, Odious, Soulless, Ignorant, Racist, Criminal Pervert is a Great Guy! And blackmailing an ally at war by withholding military aid until they promised to announce an investigation to set-up his opponent’s son for no other reason than to help him cheat in an election was some kind of totally cool thing to do! Well, out here in the Big City, believe it or not, it’s considered one of the biggest geopolitical dick moves in history and your big hero’s known as literally one of the biggest assholes who’s ever stepped onto the world stage. This is rare but happens from time to time but only in cases where the asshole actually gets shit done! The asshole you think is so great didn’t do fuck-all for Four Goddam Years except divide us, openly embezzle, alienate our allies, destroy our institutions, lie over 22,000 times, and willfully and knowingly sacrifice over 320,000 Americans by the end of his term because he thought achieving herd immunity through mass infection of the Covid Virus would be a good idea without understanding one key principle that practically every scientist, epidemiologist, nurse, doctor and hospital worker knows by heart, which is that Donald J. Trump is a fucking idiot.
Tired yet? Me too. I’m afraid we’ll have to let the Big Lie “Oh I won the election in a landslide! I just don’t happen to have a shred of evidence to back it up. Isn’t that okay? NO? Why, I’ve always had everything simply HANDED to me! Why can’t I have this?” We’ll just have to leave that, along with calling entire continents “shitholes,” Nazis “Fine People” Raw dogging the porn actress while his wife’s just given birth and the hilariousness that his base – particularly the evangelicals and family values conservatives – managed so easily to drop their mantle of sanctimony to wallow in the muck with their Hero as he gets spanked by Stormy Daniels with a rolled-up Forbes magazine while watching “SharkWeek” But their existence by now has cured every inferiority complex ever suffered by anyone who wasn’t one of them, and will for years to come.
I’ve hardly touched on the fact he’s never expressed any emotions that weren’t directly from the amygdala, nor shown any ability to place value on anything that can’t be counted – so no love, sentiment, empathy, nostalgia. Nothing at all of the higher functions or any capacity whatsoever for humor or joy that wasn’t at someone’s expense. I challenge anyone to show me an example of him engaged in any kind of abstract thought, and try to imagine him finishing a sentence that begins:
“Y’know that feeling deep inside when…” Seriously: good luck with THAT. The mind reels y’know, there’s all the stupid shit he’s said, all the obviously transparent lies, the total and absolute lack of appreciation for anything that’s not material. Honestly, if he wasn’t so obviously the damaged result of an overly needy kid who was left to rot in the cradle and spent his whole life begging for the attention his parents didn’t have the capacity to give I’d condemn him as the most disgusting and irredeemable person on earth. But of course there are probably a few truly, truly horrible examples living out their own sick fantasies in the dark holes where they’re most comfortable. But publicly, as a reflection of the aggregate of what I know, I’ll have to say Donald J Trump is more vile and worthless than maggot shit in a rat’s corpse rotting in the sewers of hell. And not the nice sewers of hell either: the really gross ones.
And believe me, I could go on. But apart from all that, and being a pompous, arrogant, know-nothing bully who somehow can still lower himself into the most brown-nosing ingratiating self-abasing obsequious toadying slavering little bootlick whenever Vladimir Putin’s around, he’s a braggart, and as I recall you were supposed to find one of those that was good. How’d it go? Not so good huh? Well, that’s okay: the answer was Mohammed Ali.
Now then, you were going to say something about Biden?”