BipHoo Company / Flickr Stormy Daniels sues Trump over alleged...
BipHoo Company / Flickr

OK, somebody help he out here, cuz I’m a moron. Will someone please explain to me what all of the Sturm und Drang about this whole Stormy Daniels vs David Dennison nonsense is? When you come right down to the basics, it’s so simple it isn’t even worth arguing over.

Here’s the story as I understand it, correct me if I’m wrong (perish the thought). Donald Trump, business mogul and all purpose turd, does a sit-n-spin with a porn star. Apparently it wasn’t just a one night stand. Ten years later Trump decided this could put a crimp in his plans for world domination in the political arena, so he sends Mikey “Joey Bottafucco” Cohen to shut her up with some quick cash. She signs a Non Disclosure Agreement in return for $130,000. The NDA requires binding arbitration in case of a dispute. Now, said porn star wants to spill le haricots, and files a lawsuit claiming that the NDA is invalid. Trump files a counter suit in court, trying to force her into binding arbitration, which is a secret process, thereby ensuring that the fact of his dinky dinky will not be “exposed.” Right?

Well, forget all of that, cuz it don’t mean jack shit! A NDA is a legally binding contract. Binding arbitration is a private way of dealing with disputes arising from the wording or intent of the contract. But, if one side or the other decides to abrogate the contract, and ignores the decision of arbitration, than a court of law is the only recourse for settlement.

Let’s say you offer me $1,000 to paint your house. We sign a contract. Teh contract has a $2,000 penalty if the work is not satisfactorily completed, and disputes will be handled through binding arbitration. Midway through painting your house I get a better offer, and leave your house unfinished. You take me to arbitration, they order me to complete painting the house, and I toss the arbitrator double barrel birds an d stroll out. You want your house finished, or your $2,000? Take me to court.

That’s really this whole saga in a nutshell. If Stormy Daniels wants to talk, she is going to talk. If Trump moves the case from a state court to a friendlier federal court, and the court throws her back into arbitration, so what?!? If the arbitrator finds the NDA legally binding, and Daniels must remain silent, he can’t lock her in a closet, or shove a ball gag in her mouth. The arbitrator is powerless to stop a party to an agreement if one decides to violate the agreement.

If Stormy Daniels wants to tell 60 Minutes, and by logical extension the rest of us what a bum lay Trump is, she is going to do it. With our First Amendment, we do not have prior constraint laws in this country. And no court is going to issue a restraining order against CBS to stop them from airing the program, that issue was settled legally in the Pentagon Papers case. Get used to it. By the time we go to bed next Sunday, we are all going to know what a terrible toss Trump is.

Once that happens, the only thing Trump can do is to take Stormy Daniels to court for violating the contract. He is never going to do that, for two good reasons. First of all, just think about it for a minute. An alleged billionaire businessman, and the sitting President of the United States, taking a porn star to court for $20 million for saying that he’s worse in bed than a 15 year old in the back seat of a Volkswagon. This wold immediately bring to mind pictures of the old Thomas Nast cartoons of hulking, black clad, cigar smoking guys in top hats swinging whips at orphans in sweatshops. Nobody really cares if Trump did the horizontal mambo with Stormy Daniels, especially not his evangelical voters apparently, but hitting her up for $20M for talking about it? dream on Brillo Top.,

But the second reason is even worse for Trump. If he actually sues Stormy Daniels, than her lawyer is going to be able to use discovery. In civil cases discovery is quite wide ranging I’m told. Her lawyer is going to be able to force both Trump and Cohen to hand over documents, and both Trump and Cohen are going to have to be deposed prior to trial, most likely video taped. If Cohen and Trump think it’s bad enough having Robert Mueller poking around in their closets for skeletons, do they really want to turn a rapacious personal attorney loose in there too? $20 million can’t possibly fix what Dtormy Daniels’ lawyer can break.

Look, personally I have no intention in watching the 60 Minutes interview next week, I have no interest in the squalid details of how The Orange Tufted Poodle boasts about how “Bigly” he is for five sweaty minutes while Stormy Daniels lays there shewing gum and reading Vogue. I am interested in the “physical threat” allegations, but I figure that I’ll pick that up on MSNBC Monday morning. But, as for all of this breathless hype about the brewing legal battle? Count me out. It’s like watching an episode of Celebrity Apprentice: “Boogie Nights” edition. Trump already got fired in the opening credits.

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