Washington Post / YouTube Rep Kristi Noem says tax bill 1586954617.jpg...
Washington Post / YouTube

Gov. Kristi Noem

Pierre, SD

Dear Gov. Noem:

I was excited to read in recent media reports that you are now offering South Dakota’s National Guard units for rent in the open market. I assume your troops are available to any customer, and not just to large GOP donors, as such partisan restriction would surely be a misuse of state resources for political gain.

I note your spokesman Mr. Fury won’t disclose the cost of this deployment to Texas for “security reasons.” I heartily approve of such client confidentiality and expect such consideration will be extended to all those who rent your troops. Still, not having even a ballpark number makes it difficult to tender a bid for your Guard’s services.

Suffice it to say, I won’t be needing the 50 or so Guardsmen you’re shipping off to the border for your used car dealer client. No, the unwanted immigrants I’m dealing with won’t take more than a squad.

They’re these new residents of the neighborhood who just let their dogs go anywhere, complete entitled jerks, you know? I figure half a dozen Guardsmen in full battle rattle show up at their doors to return their dog’s poop, we can change their ways right quick and Make the Neighborhood Great Again!

So, if you could have your Guard’s sales director get me a quote on a squad for, call it a week, I’d really appreciate it. Or just send me your standard rate card.

Thanks in advance, and keep coming up with these great ways to save the taxpayers money!

Yours in patriotism,

Crashing Vor

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