Former White House Counsel to Pres. Nixon John Dean spoke in front of the House Committee hearing on the Mueller report. He has been brought there by the Democratic leadership in order to give some historic context to the Mueller investigation and the Trump administration. That context comes in the form of his inside knowledge of disgraced former president Richard Nixon. Republican Rep. Matt Gaetz from Florida is what happens when a dream has been deferred, and then a horse poops on that dream, and that dream is subsequently given to the devil, to serve to the demon that creates fossil fuels, and that demon then regurgitates all of that into a person.
Rep. Gaetz, best known for breaking the law by threatening material witnesses in the Mueller investigation, is using his ugliest paisley tie and his time on the committee to run for some heretofore unknown higher office (maybe Alabama?). Gaetz is ready to play his part as the Republican attack dog, with a tone matching the Republican Party’s top dog, Donald Trump. After bringing his ugliest paisley tie and conspiracy-addled accusations that John Dean is a professional presidential accuser of malfeasance, Gaetz finally gets around to asking Dean a question.
Gaetz:–and throughout history, you accuse presidents of acting like richard nixon and you make money off it.
Dean: Not all presidents, no. Those who do act like him, I point it out.
What is sort of surprising here is that Gaetz seems slightly taken aback that someone could answer his brilliant bullying accusation so calmly and clearly. But never fear, Beelzebub didn’t give Gaetz a set of republican donors without also giving him a few nefarious tricks! Gaetz decides to begin a line of questioning that you know he spent hours coming up with.
Gaetz: How do democrats plan to pay for medicare for all?
Dean: I’m sorry?
Gaetz: How do — well, I figured if we were going to ask you about stuff you don’t know about, we’d start with the big stuff so do you know how they plan to pay for medicare for all.
Ha. Get it? He got you, Democratic Party! Unfortunately, lifelong Republican John Dean has been to this rodeo before, with considerably more impressive grandstanding assholes on the committees. Dean decides react the way that adults act when a younger, dumber, more naive person begins showboating—you take them seriously and force them to clarify their positions by asking them serious questions.
Dean: Who? A candidate? Can you be more specific?
Gaetz has probably only worked his bullying magic on frightened staffers and forgot that he was out in public. But, Gaetz knows he has Dean right where he wants him! Bring it home, Matty boy.
Gaetz: Let’s get specific to Nixon since that appears to be why you’re here.
Dean: Nixon did have a healthcare plan.
Ohboy. That didn’t go as planned, did it Gaetzy-poo? This illicits the largest laugh of the day and Gaetz attempts to right the ship by asking his pretend follow up, but he’s lost and he knows it.
Gaetz: Good. Good. Well, do you believe if we — if we turned the lights off here and maybe lit some candles, got out a ouija board we could raise the specter of Richard Nixon?
Dean: I doubt that.
Gaetz filibusters and speechifies the rest, angry that he cannot go toe to toe with anyone not on his payroll.
It’s worth watching just to hear the laughing