Wall Street Journal / YouTube Howard Schultz to Step Down as 1549119546.jpg...
Wall Street Journal / YouTube

Starbuck’s CEO Howard Schultz seems genuinely baffled at how quickly he became A) a joke and B) hated. All because he said he wanted to be the boss of everyone after he proved his worth by raising the price of a cup of coffee to hitherto undreamed of heights.

A large contingent of Americans, a group generally known as “everybody,” has been encouraging Schultz to take his ‘poor people, why didn’t they think of squirting pumpkin spice in a cup’ attitude and slink back to his lair.  Which is surely Venti. But at Buzzfeed, editor Ben Smith has some excellent advice that applies to both Schultz and any other billionaire whose bank account is whispering “Rule them. Rule them all!”

They should consider running against Donald Trump. And the place to do that is the wide-open Republican primary.

This seems pretty obvious. Schultz is a billionaire. Bloomberg is a billionaire. Trump is … kind of a billionaire. The whole Republican Party could become a billionaire on billionaire festival of proving just whose (X) is the biggest. Where X is bank account, list of illicit affairs, or connections to foreign dictators. However, television writer Jess Dweck has even better advice for Schultz and the contingent of billionaire boys.

If you’re a billionaire thinking about running for president, just become a Batman instead

Notice that she doesn’t say “the Batman” but “a Batman.” Because, clearly, there can be more than one. This … is perfect. Not only would it generate an economic boost and create jobs in STEM as competing billionaires vied to have the most screamingly huge and totally secret lairs, the most brutally and disturbingly phallic vehicles, the most nipple-augmenting costumes, but each of them would have to spend at least a decade out of the limelight, perfecting their martial arts skills. Plus a gravelly voice. None of them should overlook the gravelly voice.

And who knows, maybe then they actually could run for president. After all, Howard Schultz may be a laughing stock, but who wouldn’t rush to vote for that daring crime fighter … Coffee Man?

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