For 17 months during the campaign, then candidate, and party clown for hire, Donald Trump assured all and sundry that he only hired the best. And nowhere was that more evident than in hiw high powered legal representation during the Robert Mueller investigation.
There were Ty Cobb and John Dowd, who redefined the term SCIF by holding a long, loud conversation for strategies on burning Trump’s dirty laundry, on a public patio at a restaurant next door to the New York Times Washington bureau office. Then there was Jay “Call me Ichibod” Sekulow, w ose last paid gig prior to suckling up to the Presidential teat was as a skimming attorney for a fundamentalist evangelical group, who at first glance resemble the Home Shopping Network for bible thumpers, specializing in Jesus branded merchandise. And who can forget (try as we might) Rudy Giuliani, dressed in the same suit he wore as mayor, and who hasn’t seen the inside of a courtroom since the aforementioned Christ was a carpenter.
But the jewel in this crown of thorns was, none other than Michael Cohen. A brash, scrappy New Yorker, who got into his mail order law school by bribing somebody to take his SAT’s for him. A real life legal Joe Pesci, which is unfair to Vinnie, since he actually won his case.
But there is a new legal hurricane brewing on the Trump horizon, and Cohen figures to be tied up in the federal penal system for the foreseeable future. Trump’s long time accounting firm, Penn, Padz and Totl, recently received a subpoena from House Oversight committee Chairman Elijah Cummings, demanding every scrap of paper the firm has with the word “Trump” on it, even if it’s a 5 year old cocktail napkin from a Christmas party they held in one of his joints. Trump is not taking this assault on her personal and business finances lying down, he’s saving that shit for a tell-a;; book after his presidency, when the statuete of limitations runs out.
So, Trump hired a brand spanking new law firm specifically to ensure that his sleazy financial secrets stay as buried as Captain Kidd’s treasure. The firm sent a letter to Penn, Pdaz and Totl, and through an anonymous source, I received a copy of the final draft that was sent to the firms legal office. I know, you all want to know how in the hell a journalistic shitkicker like me got such a scoop, but I’m sworn to the secrecy of my anonymous source, m matter how many cans f garbage she had to sift through to get it. And so, without further ado, here is the letter, in its entirety;
dear Sir or Madam,
By way of introduction, my name is Richard Grabb, Chief Litigation Attorney and Senior Partner of the prestigious law firm of Smash, Grabb and Skedaddle. We have recently been retained by the President of the United States, Donald J Trump, ro protect his legal financial interests while he pursues his full time job of Making America
Hate Grate Great again.
It has come to our attention that you have recently received, or will shortly receive, a subpoena from the United States House Oversight Committee, demanding that you turn over certain sensitive and confidential financial documents. It is incumbent on us, as President Trump’s duly appointed legal representatives, to insist that you resist turning over any such documents with any and all means at your disposal.
The legal argument for this position is both simple, and legally sound. Our contention is that the subpoena is illegitimate, mainly because the Democratic party, of which Chairman Cummings is a member, is itself illegitimate, having actually been born in Kenya, and secretly smuggled across the southern border, due to the tragic absence of a physical wall to keep pathetic losers like it out of our country.
We fully realize the financial, and possible legal burden that this request may place your organization under, and we are sympathetic to your plight. In fact, we have recently come on the market for a new accounting firm, to replace our currently incompetent and inefficient firm, and are vetting replacements. Your kind assistance in this matter could go a long way in determining our final selection for this, shall we say, rather lucrative account.
That issue notwithstanding, it is imperative upon me to impress on you to the critical importance of this matter, in the starkest possible legal firms. If you mess with me on this, I will ROYALLY FUCK YOU UP! iI know where you live motherfucker, I know where your parents live, and I know where your children go to school! Cross me on this, and I will get so medieval on your ass that you’ll swear you were teleported back to the Inquisition. With these two hands, I will personally clip the hasp of the lock securing the ends of the chain running through the handles of the door to your business, after it is closed by order of the settlement Mr Trump will obtain against you for illegally revealing his personal financial information. Are we crystal clear here?
In closing, we truly appreciate your time and consideration in the historically important matter, and eagerly await your presumably positive response to our humble, yet valid request.
So, don’t ever say that I don’t bust my ass for you guys and gals. And I’m sure as God made little green apples that once this breaks the interntets thingy, I’ll only gain more journalistic “street creds,” making it easier and easier to find more sources. As Frank SInatra likes to sing, “The best is yet to come.”
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