Donald Trump is naught but an oozy, malodorous mound of id, so it stands to reason that he’d sell out our country for a full set of Happy Meal Pokémon cards and/or a languorous reach-around from Mayor McCheese. So the thought that he’d be even more compromised if he were to win a second term is both jarring and, when you really think about it, pretty much exactly what you’d expect.

President Joe Biden’s refusal to back down from Russian President Vladimir Putin’s naked aggression—or to pull us out of NATO, which Trump reportedly wanted to do during the second term he was (thankfully) denied—shows why it’s important to have a real president in the White House. Even more important is having a president who isn’t so up-to-his-shifty eyeballs in conflicts of interest that he’d burn our country’s alliances for a face-saving loan.

Now that Mazars, the Trump Organization’s longtime accounting firm, has disavowed the ocher arschloch, some people are wondering if Trump’s latest troubles might actually endanger national security.

This will either be extremely alarming or just another fraught moment on this lush, fragile, spinning rock of ours—depending on how enthusiastically you took to huffing industrial paint solvents as the clammy orange murder-ape squatted (quite possibly literally) in the Oval Office from 2017-2021.

“This explodes the national security risk by a factor of 10, because now he’s going to be desperate for new loans,” Joseph Cirincione, a fellow at the Quincy Institute for Responsible Statecraft, told The Daily Beast. “Legitimate banks are not going to touch him. So it expands the universe of shady characters who could offer him loans in return for favors that might include disclosing U.S. national security secrets.” 

Thank God Trump never read the president’s daily brief. I can only imagine he’s frantically calling his old CIA directors right about now to ask if they still have the padlock combination for the national Roswell alien warehouse in Hayward, Wisconsin.

Cirincione continued: “Whether it is the Saudis, Russians, narcoterrorists—anybody with access to hundreds of millions would be in the running for Donald Trump’s new loan officer. That is why you don’t give security clearance to people who are financially compromised.”

So, yeah, it’s pretty important to keep him from winning again and having access to more government secrets. He might actually pay attention this time.  

Incidentally, at least one source whom The Daily Beast described as part of Trump’s “inner sanctum” noted that the Mazars letter could actually augur serious trouble for Trump. 

“I’ll be honest with you: I have said for years that this whole thing is one big fishing expedition,” one source told the outlet. “I’ve expected it to just fizzle at some point, or to turn up ticky tacky shit that can score prosecutors big headlines. The Mazars news was the first time I started thinking, ‘Hey, this might be serious.’ Could Donald Trump [and his business] be screwed? I don’t know, but I’m not as confident as I once was in saying, ‘No.’”

Oh, tell me more, people who know things!

“It’s incredibly significant. And frankly, I’ve never heard of a situation where an accounting firm is going back retroactively 10 years,” said Steven J. Solomon, a prominent bankruptcy attorney at GrayRobinson. “This would be a trigger point. If your lender doesn’t have confidence in you because it can’t rely on the information, you can’t be friends anymore.”

Meanwhile, former Trump Organization executive Barbara Res, who in 2020 released a Trump retrospective called Tower of Lies, notes that much of Trump’s current legal peril can be chalked up to a dearth of responsible babysitters. In the past, she said, “people didn’t let him do things like that. We controlled him. But he reached the point where he no longer had anyone who’d say no to him.”

Now? “If he gets away from this, there’s no God, and no reason to live,” said Res.

Well, to be precise, there’d be no reason for many of us to live. Trump, on the other hand, would have more reason than ever.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE. 

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This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.


  1. If this guy gets away with everything, then why should we as the republic follow any rules???
    Subpoena me…Screw you..Hell trump and all his friends can get away with it why can’t we?
    This A$$HOLE needs to pay , along with all his “Friends” even the ones pardoned… Especially the ones pardoned.
    Come on DOJ…DO YOUR JOB!!!!!!!


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