DonkeyHotey / Flickr donald trump caricature giant mouth...
DonkeyHotey / Flickr

That’s just the way it is, some things will never change.   Bruce Hornsby and the Range

I’d like to say that it was great to see the Tangerine Tantrum Machine back on the road again, but I’m trying to give up bullshit for Lent. I know, it’s not even Christmas, but any excuse to give up Trump spotting works for me.

I had forgotten how annoying more than 10 minutes of him could be. Two years ago I was putting up with longer Trump rally speeches than yesterday’s tax cut blather at least 3-4 nights a week, so I could ridicule him in type, and then go shower the Trump sleaze off. Now? I could barely get through the 35 or so minutes that he prattled on.

But one nice thing after that “speech”, I now have a clearer idea of what Trump will do to occupy himself when he gets out of office. You can see him for an hour a day on the Home Shopping Network, pimping his shit, “Yes, and if you order your deluxe middle class tax cut now, you can get it for just 26 easy biweekly payments from your paycheck for the rest of your life! Order today, and we’ll throw in the most beautiful healthcare you’ve ever seen absolutely free.”

While he may be a couple of years older, a little ornerier, and quite possibly a little more senile, it was still like old home week. The boy still remembers the formula to to success in a roomful of faithful dunces. He could do it in his sleep. So, come for a little jaunt down memory lane with me, and see if any of these golden moldies ring any bells for you.

#1) Me, me, me

If they hadn’t announced in advance that this was a “policy speech” on tax cuts, I would have thought it just an extension of his post election victory lap. All I can figure is that Trump thinks that reliving his election and joking about his rich friends is a top tool in selling a shitty tac raise for the lower and middle class.

#2 Trump the winner

Oh God, I dearly loved this one. While boasting of the certain success of the as yet not voted on Senate tax bill (If they had the votes, McConnell woulda called it), Trump boasted about how he and the Republicans had persevered to success through the endless Democratic obstruction. Really? Good thing I have a degree in revisionist history, because the last tie I checked, the Democrats kicked your ass around the block on healthcare, and may yet put you down for the count on taxes. I’m so sick of all of this winning.

#3) Lying his ass off

This was always one of my campaign favorites, and I’m glad the category made his revival tour. In talking about hard working Americans, he referenced all of the construction workers who had voted for him, and how many he had worked with on his building sites. Priceless. The only time this asshole ever lifted a shovel was at the groundbreaking ceremony. But the suckers buy this shit every time.

#4) Trying to look smart

This is one that everybody came to love in the campaign season, Trump’s use of words he has no clue to the meaning of. For instance, at one point today he said, “I say this without trying to be braggadocious.” Really? Trump should know better than that, without braggadocio, he would be an enpty husk of a man, bragging is all that comes out of his mouth. But the simps seemed impressed with the $10 word.

#5) Empathy for the common man

He’s actually a little rusty on this one. When talking about welfare reform(?) he said, “I know so many people who have to work 3 jobs to get by”. And he does, in the old days, back at Trump Tower, he used to call them his employees! What working multiple jobs has to do with it I have no idea, but that brings us to 

#6) Welfare Reform

This is the crowd favorite part of the show, The Dog Whistle Symphony. Welfare reform? Where the hell did that come out of? But we all know what it means in Trump GOPspeak. It means, “We are so gonna screw those black and brown people six ways from Sunday!” If you want something to reform, might I suggest criminal justice reform instead?  And you can start with a 15-20 year feasibility study, in a complimentary orange jumpsuit, consulting with your monkey spawn kid and son in law, as well as your traitor general and former campaign manager. Maybe Joe Arpaio can bring your chow now that you pardoned him.

#7) Suffering for our good

Wouldn’t be a party without Jello. Trump’s best argument for selling his tax plan always was, and still is convincing all the minimum wagers in the audience how badly he’s going to take it in the shorts with this tax plan. Unfortunately he kind of undercut that when he directly referred to abolishing the estate tax as a way for rich people to leave more to their kids. But he soldiered on, even pointing to an apparently well off group of people to one side, and saying, “a whole lot of rich people are very mad at me right now”, while said rich people sat there, nodding their heads up and down like those dogs in the back windows of cars, their smiles lighting up the room better than the stage lights, and rubbing their hands together so fast and hard that the smell of frying bacon filled the room.

So, there you have it, a little remembrance card for your mind. And all I can think of to say is, “Please, Donnie, let’s not wait two long years to catch up again! I’m free again the third of next never.”

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