Trump is about to get po’. Real quick. And it’s up to congress to ensure it.

Beverly & Pack / Flickr Donald Trump the Snake Oil Salesman...
Beverly & Pack / Flickr

I have written before, and I say it again now, Donald Trump never wanted to be President. That was obvious from the start. He looked around, saw 16 other at least marginally qualified political candidates running for President on the GOP side, and said, “Qhat the hell. Let’s run for President! Throw my name around in the media, get some face time, and fuck with everybody else. Besides, it’ll get me out of the house, and on the prowl for the next Stormy. What could go wrong?” If you have any doubts onthat score, just remember that Trump never bothered to wrote a victory speech for election night. I rest my case.

But, if his running for President was supposed to be the ultimate branding exercise, then his actually winning the Presidency has been the anti-Christ for all of that. In response to his selfish, sexist, bigoted rantings and ravings as our Commander in Chief, stores have dropped his lines of shit, memberships at his gold courses are down, hotel occupancy rates suffered, and Trump branded properties have seen actual residents revolt, forcing the owners to remove his name from the buildings. He went from being a more or less universally approved of television reality star to a President whom only about 37% of the country can stomach the sight of. I’m starting to wonder, is Trump tired of all of this “winning” yet?

But it’s about to get worse. A whole lotta worse. Pretty much from the time that Trump unpacked his silk BVD’s in the White House residence, he has been beset by scandal, most notably the Robert Mueller investigation. Trump of course required legal representation to deal with inquiries from the probe, so he hired lawyers. On our dimes ladies and gentlemen. As long as Mueller was investigating the President, then “we the people” are footing the tab to try to keep his plush bottom ass out of the crossbar Hilton. Wth the election of a Democratic led House last November, the White House Counsels office just bulked up with at least 14 new staff lawyers, just to deal with the expected incoming requests for information from the committee investigations. And yeah, you and I are going to be turning our pockets inside out to pay for them too.

But here’s where the rubber meets the road. The chickens have a funny way of coming home to roost. And what’s the defining characteristic of a hen house? Chicken shit of course. Thanks to Michael Cohen’s House testimony, we now know that the Southern District of New York prosecutors are looking into a bevy of past Trump misdeeds, many of them likely having nothing to do with his tenure as Toddler in Chief. The New York Attorney General’s office is taking a pair of rusty pliers to the fingernails of Trump’s alleged charitable foundation. The Manhattan District Attorney’s office has already publicly stated that they have opened their own inquiries into possible criminal malfeasance, and the New York state Financial Services Division just served Trump’s insurance agency with a subpoena for every communication they have had with Trump going all the way back to 2001.

Guess what kiddies? Trump is going to need some serious legal representation, and a lot of it, to fight off this circular firing squad of investigations, with all guns pointing directly at him. And if those investigations have nothing to do with his tenure as the unconstitutionally elected President of the United States, then we taxpayers are off the hook for those legal expenses. Those White House lawyers are for defending the office of the Presidency, not the pasty ass of Don the Con. It is going to have to be up to somebody, whether it’s congress, or reporters, to check the filings in these investigations to ensure that cases that have nothing to do with Trump’s official duties as President are not showing White House lawyers as the counsel of record. Trump shit in his mess kit, let Trump clean up the mess. Why should we have to pay for the Brillo pad?

I have said for a long time now that it won’t be Robert Mueller, or the Department of Justice that will send Trump to prison, it will be New York state. I say that for two reasons. First, a Trump Presidential pardon cannot save himself, nor his Satan spawn kids, nor his numb nuts son in law from state convictions. His pardons are only good for federal crimes, not state charges. And second, states are not governed by that brain dead DOJ policy prohibiting indicting a sitting President. They can indict him whenever they feel like it. And while they may not be able to try him until he leaves office, the indictments stop the statute of limitations, so he can’t run out the clock with a second term. And New York state has an “availability of defendant” clause, so he can’t wriggle off of the hook by not being given a “speedy trial” either.

Two last things to leave a smile on your chops when you finish reading this. First, Trump has a long, incredibly detailed history of stiffing his lawyers. Why do you think that legal bottom feeders like Jay Sekulow and Rudy Giuliani are the best he can come up, even if their pay is guaranteed by the US Treasury? What kind of legal offal do you think he’s going to attract when he has to write his own retainer checks? And last, but by no means least. Because its largest city is pretty much the hub of the global financial market, New York State has its own local version of the federal RICO statutes. When you start to combine things like tax fraud, insurance fraud, bank fraud, possible money laundering, and obstruction of justice together into a nice, fat, messy ball, you’re starting to see something that looks suspiciously like a corrupt, criminal organization. With the seizure RICO statutes, Trump could well not only die in state prison, but he could die without a penny to his name. The Ultimater LOSER!

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After reading this I am fairly certain I had an unintended orgasm.