I’m not a comedy writer, but I know a few, and I guarantee none of them would have written anything like this.
The Washington Post (who puts stories like this behind a paywall, so they don’t get a link — the Seattle Times gets it instead) learned who Sidney Powell’s Super Secret By Gosh and Golly Jeez She’s Gonna Get Trump Back in Office Doncha Know Expert Witness is. You know. The one who is gonna finally release that goshdarn Kraken once and for all. The one who will send Biden and Harris back to their respective states crying and wailing for their mommies. The one who Powell has told the court can Prove, Yes Indeedy, that the election was stolen from Trump.
Supposedly she is a former intelligence contractor who has deep knowledge of a foreign conspiracy to subvert the 2020 presidential election. His/her identity must be protected at all costs, because Dark Forces will make him/her disappear, or something like that. His/her “reputation, professional career and personal safety” is at stake.
Well, not quite. The secret expert witness is a pro-Trump podcaster and minor-league grifter named — wait for it — Terpsichore Maras-Lindeman. Yes, really. I am not making this up.
The Post did some actual investigative reporting, something they do quite well when they are of a mind to do so, and found out that much of her affidavit matches word for word with a blog post Maras-Lindeman published in November 2019. She has now confirmed she wrote the affidavit — thereby confirming she is Powell’s Secret Kraken Extraordinaire Witness — and says she did so because she wanted to contribute to the fight against the theft of the election. “This is everybody’s duty,” she told the Post. “It’s just not fair.”
Really. Set aside for a moment — really, just a moment — the fact that the entire election fraud case ginned up by Trump, Giuliani and their gang of brownshirted imbeciles is composed of 100% unprocessed bullshit. Instead, let’s look at who this supposed intelligence contractor is.
Terpsichore Maras-Lindeman — conjure with it and see what happens, I dare ya — was recently charged by attorneys for North Dakota with posing as a medical doctor. The state said she falsely claimed to hold both a Ph.D and an MBA. She used multiple aliases and Social Security numbers, the attorneys claimed, and created false online resumes as part of “a persistent effort … to deceive others.”
Mm-hmm. Ahd this is not the first time Powell has used bullshit sources for her bullshit legal claims. About two weeks ago, another supposed expert witness trotted out by Powell was exposed. This one was supposedly a former “military intelligence expert” that Powell code-named “Spyder” (sometimes “Spider”); Powell kept his identity so closely guarded that she wouldn’t even reveal it to opposing counsel. “Spyder” claimed in court filings that the election was sabotaged by foreign enemies of democracy. Well, “Spider” isn’t a military intelligence expert. This clown is named Joshua Merritt, an information technology consultant who lives in or around Dallas. Like Maras-Lindeman, he confirmed to the Post that he was Powell’s “military intelligence” expert. Powell told the court that “Spyder” could prove that U.S. voting systems were “certainly compromised by rogue actors, such as Iran and China.” Merritt doesn’t know shit about American voting systems. And while he is an Army veteran, he washed out of an entry-level training course that would have led to him joining a military intelligence unit. Instead, he spent his time in the Army as a mechanic. Laudable work, but not military intelligence. (Merritt, like Maras-Lindeman, routinely lied about his military experience and his training. And, like Maras-Lindeman, he claims he has no idea how his name ended up in Powell’s court filings. Keep reading.)
Powell is 0 for 2.
Sidney Powell secret witness is Terpsichore Maras-Lindeman. In 2018, N.D. attorneys said she used money she collected — ostensibly to fund homeless shelters and wreaths for veterans’ graves — on purchases for herself at McDonald’s, QVC and elsewhere. https://t.co/inXBvBSfLU
— Joe Heim (@JoeHeim) December 24, 2020
Of course, none of this matters to Trump. Powell was involved in a recent “conversation” at the White House where, among other things, Trump sycophants like Michael Flynn urged Trump to a) invoke martial law, b) to seize the voting machines from the swing states that went to Trump, and c) to have the military force a “revote” in those states. Yeah, that’s all Constitutional and stuff.
Trump wants to name Powell as a “special counsel” to investigate the election.
As for our pal Maras-Lindeman, she served in the Navy for less than a year over twenty years ago. (She claims to have served in the Kosovo battle zone, Afghanistan, and Iraq, won a Purple Heart, and and served in the Office of Naval Intelligence. In reality, she never left the States during her career. She left the service with a general discharge.) She claims she then worked as a government contractor and an interpreter, and calls herself a “trained cryptolinguist.” Trained grifter and con artist, more likely: she claimed that she worked with “a vendor with certain programs associated with USSOCOM,” the U.S. Special Operations Command. A USSOCOM spokesperson said the organization has no record of any dealings with her.
She also claimed that in 2008 as an “intelligence contractor,” she broke into the State Department’s passport records and copied information from the files of several presidential candidates, including Joe Biden’s, all on the express order of then-CIA director John Brennan. Brennan, shockingly, says he’s never heard of her and never authorized such an operation. Her explanation? Her work was so covert that no one could talk about it: “People like me don’t exist. You just have to trust.”
Yep. And Jethro Bodine was a double-naught spy.
On a now-deleted LinkedIn profile, she claimed she obtained eight — eight! — academic degrees in the US and UK between 1997 and 2014, and a plethora of other professional qualifications. In the real world, she earned one degree, a B.A. in biology from the University of Kentucky in 2011. Go Wildcats! (She says someone else created the profile to fuck with her.) After obtaining that degree, she began teaching on a volunteer basis at a Greek Orthodox school in Oregon, where she falsely used the title of “Dr.” on the school’s website, claiming she had a doctorate. In various small claims filings, she has called herself a pediatric oncologist, a cancer researcher, and God knows what else.
North Dakota called her out in 2018 when she tried to organize a supposed charitable event in Minot, where she and her family lived at the time. She raised money to fund homeless shelters and wreaths for veterans’ graves — nice tugging at those heartstrings, Terpsichore — but instead spent the money on purchases for herself from McDonald’s and QVC, among other places.
In court, she got off with a fine. She is appealing her conviction by denying everything and blaming it all on bureaucratic ineptitude and mysterious Dark Forces who compromised her name and her Social Security number. Oh, and she was targeted by the North Dakota state government — that hotbed of radical progressivism — for political reasons surrounding her plan to run for mayor of Minot under the slogan “Make Minot Great Again.”
As for Powell, she refused to confirm or deny anything reported about her expert witness, telling a Post reporter, “I don’t have the same information you do.” Sound familiar? When in doubt, deny you know the person who can prove you’re a fraud.
Ironically, Maras-Lindeman and Merritt both deny ever speaking to Powell or anyone on her legal team. Maras-Lindeman says she distributed her affidavit to “like-minded people” and had no idea Powell was using it in her court filings. We’re talking about a detailed, 37-page affidavit written in legalistic terms that accused Dominion Voting Systems and Scytl, a Spanish election software firm, of facilitating the hacking of Dominion voting machines using the Scytl software to change votes from Trump to Biden. In the affidavit, she claimed:
The vote is not safe using these machines not only because of the method used for ballot ‘cleansing’ to maintain anonymity but the EXPOSURE to foreign interference and possible domestic bad actors.
And she wrote this affidavit on her own and just passed it out to whoever might be interested. Mm-hmm.
Dominion is about to blast Powell, Giuliani stooge “witness” Mellissa Carone, and so many others with a “Kraken” lawsuit of its own, this one charging them with defamation, among other things. Scytl says Dominion doesn’t use its software. And federal judges have rejected both complaints Powell filed that relied on Maras-Lindeman’s affidavit. Attorneys for Wisconsin Governor Tony Evers (D-Constitution) called Powell’s complaint “rampant with wild speculation and conspiratorial conclusions, and simply without any basis in law or fact.” An Arizona federal judge said that allegations “that find favor in the public sphere of gossip and innuendo cannot be a substitute for earnest pleadings and procedure in federal court” and “most certainly cannot be the basis for upending Arizona’s 2020 General Election.”
Powell is, of course, appealing to the Supreme Court, where I’m sure the Justices will be interested in the identities of Powell’s “expert witnesses.”
Maras-Lindeman is currently hanging with bright lights like former Infowars correspondent Millie Weaver. Maras-Lindeman became popular last summer after playing a prominent role in the Infowars “documentary” Shadowgate. (The Post article doesn’t go into detail of the fairy-dust bullshit story spun by that “documentary,” and I don’t give enough of a damn to look it up to find out.) Like the other idiots in her gang, Maras-Lindeman is promising retribution, vengeance, hell, blood and good old American justice to those who dared thwart Maximum Leader Trump from having a second term. Unsurprisingly, she’s spending some of her time lately in Trump’s hotel in Washington.
Would it surprise you to know that Maras-Lindeman is a QAnon proponent?
Is anyone else tired of the grifters, the con artists, the incompetence, and the massive piles of bullshit associated with Trump and his election fraud charges?
It is my fervent Christmas wish that all of these criminals spend the rest of their lives in jail. Merry Christmas, motherfuckers. May it be the last one you spend among decent people.
This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.