So the winner of the Kentucky Derby is a “junky” now, according to our clammy, languorous yam-in-exile. (I won’t link to the “statement,” but trust me; the actual ex-president of the United States used his new “cutting-edge” internet platform to ascribe antiquated notions of moral failing to a fucking horse.) 

Medina Spirit, the horse who won the Kentucky Derby on May 1, just tested positive for a banned substance, prompting needlessly overworked-horse world to cast a jaundiced eye toward his trainer, Bob Baffert.

The controversy prompted Churchill Downs to indefinitely suspend Baffert and issue this statement: “Failure to comply with the rules and medication protocols jeopardizes the safety of the horses and jockeys, the integrity of our sport and the reputation of the Kentucky Derby and all who participate. Churchill Downs will not tolerate it.”

So you were caught drugging your horse. What to do? What to do? Oh, I know! Blame liberal “cancel culture”!

Ladies and germs, I give you the comedy stylings of Mr. Bob Baffert:

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FOX NEWS’ BILL HEMMER: “So the Preakness goes down this weekend, the Belmont is here in New York four weeks from now. I don’t know if we’ll have a final result even before the Belmont is done, but your plan is to race in the Preakness. Is there a chance they may punt and not allow Medina Spirit to run this weekend?”

BAFFERT: “Well, I haven’t heard anything officially; they haven’t told me anything. I know Churchill Downs came out with that statement that was pretty harsh, and I think they had … you know, with all the noise going out, we live in a different world now. This America’s different, and it was like a cancel culture kind of a thing, so they’re reviewing it. I haven’t been told anything. We’re prepared to run.”

You’d think a guy like Baffert would know a hulking mound of horse shit when he sees it. Good God, what won’t they blame on so-called cancel culture?

Now, I have no idea whether Baffert is guilty or not. (He says not.) But come up with a better excuse, dude. Objecting to excessive horse drugging is not “cancel culture.” It’s about enforcing rules. And, to my mind anyway, it seems pretty clear that people who shout “cancel culture!” the loudest are the most likely to be guilty (see also: Matt Gaetz). And, it turns out, Baffert has been hit with horse-drugging allegations before

How is it that our side ever got saddled with the slanderous “snowflake” label? Right-wingers (to be fair, I have no idea what Baffert’s political beliefs are, but if he’s appearing on Fox News to whine about cancel culture, I have to assume he’s at least MAGA-adjacent) are the whiniest, chirpiest little baby birds on the planet.

And Fox News, a longtime conservative disinfo haven, sharts this victimhood shtick out to its baby bird audience on the regular.

Suck it up, Bob. Take some personal responsibility. Then again, I suppose it’s much easier to shout tired platitudes to an audience that eats them up like Fiddle Faddle.

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