Maybe, in lieu of mask mandates, we can pass a law requiring that every unvaccinated American who scurries to their local hospital with COVID gets rolled into the ICU by Oompa Loompas. And if they’re lawmakers who publicly denigrate mask-wearing, lobby against vaccine passports, and introduce legislation that could help slow vaccinations, they should get a preachy song, too.

This has become almost drearily commonplace now, and as a result, our country is running precariously low on both ICU beds and petards. 

Another knucklehead Republican—so, so confident in his alpha-male genes and superior immune system—is seriously ill with COVID-19. North Carolina Rep. Keith Kidwell announced on Aug. 13 (Trump Reinstatement Day!) that he’s been hospitalized with the Big-Hoax Flu Virus.

WNCT-TV, Greenville, North Carolina:

Dozens gathered outside Vidant Beaufort Hospital Friday evening to pray for Keith and his wife, Vicki. Carolyn Garris, who has known the couple for years and organized Friday’s event, confirmed to WNCT that both had been diagnosed with COVID-19.

Psst, dude! God, if you believe in Her, already gave your dumb ass a fucking cure! This is like closing the barn door after the cows are White Castle.

And by all means, gather in a big crowd and chant prayers to stop COVID from ravaging your hero. Oh, and here’s a semi-authoritative tip from a non-medical professional with unfettered access to the Google: COVID isn’t a game of tag. He won’t get better just because you get sick:

Garris said Rep. Kidwell was admitted to the hospital on Friday while his wife was admitted earlier this week.

“Some people say well you shouldn’t be gathering because of COVID,” Garris said. “We need to get back, and this is a prime example of a community coming together. We’re all here for the same reason, support.” [emphasis added]

Yes, you are all there for the same reason, only it’s not support. It’s astonishing anti-vax stupidity.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.

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