Washington Post / YouTube Trump says he wants a bill...
Washington Post / YouTube

I’m FREE! I’m FREE!

And I’m waiting, for you, to follow me.

Tommy   The Who

Oh Lord and little fishes, that was hard. I guess that kicking any vice is always a test of willpower. And I almost failed. Last night was the first State of the Union I have missed in something like 12 years, and I almost didn’t do it. I had the TV on MSNBC for the pre game festivities, and when the Sergeant at arms said “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States!”, I almost sighed, sat back on the couch, and jammed a red hot ice pick in my right ear. But I switched to Assassins Creed III, as I had planned, and killed John Pitcairn instead. And as a result, I’m still coherent today.

I didn’t hear one word that the Pompadour Poodle had to say live. But, after he duck walked his way back down the aisle, I turned the sound back on, and caught 3 hours of post mortem, again on MSNNC. And several things jumped out at me from the after party alone, and here they are.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Last nights SOTU clocked in at somewhere just over 1:20, the third longest SOTU in history. I put a meat loaf in the oven when it started, and was amazed an hour later when I took it out to find that Papa Trumpeeto was still having his puppet show, pulling his little Pinocchios up and down on their strings, so I left the TV on mute. But I remembered a historical snippet. Hitler used to regularly run 3-4 hours on his speeches at the mass rallies at Nuremburg, not leaving the stage until he was too hoarse for the microphones to pick him up anymore.If the Trump Presidency continues, as he becomes more and more embattled, and strives more desperately to convince himself and his shrinking mob that he is still a relevant winner, these things are only going to become longer and longer. Another reason to impeach his dumb ass.

The speech was literally too terrible to recap.

One thing jumped out like a ghoul from behind a tombstone at me in the post speech coverage. There was an almost total lack of canned passages for the networks to play in recapping the speech. In past SOTU’s, for both Obama and Bush Lite, commercial breaks normally ended with a clip of different parts of the speech, which the moderator would talk about, and the panel would then dissect. But I watched for 3 hours after the speech last night, and MSNBC was stck playing the same three sniglets over and over again. Apparently, the speech eas either so terrible, or so repetitive that there was nothing for them to talk about intelligently. Nice to know that I didn’t miss a thing.

Trump is a soulless prick.

Trump’s comments on immigration were a national disgrace. Comparing immigrants, whether legal or undocumented, to the gang MS13 was obnoxious enough. But to pack the gallery with the families of victims to immigrant violence, and to then tear the scabs off of their pain for a national audience was inexcusable. It would have been one thing if Trump had been caring and compassionate, honoring their loss so that the country could mourn and remember with them, but no, not Trump. Instead he used vile, scornful words against the immigrants, almost gleefully retelling their senseless murders. Ivanka likes to say that there is a special place in hell for people like that, and I only hope that Daddy’s is the room next to the noisy ice machine.

Melania impressed me.

I’ll admit it, I have empathy, and a soft spot for Melania Trump. My own ex tomcatted around on me when we were married, and for months I didn’t even tell my parents about the real reason for the split. And although you wouldn’t know it by my writing, I am by nature a private person. And while nobody held a gun to Melania’s head and forced her to marry the Killer Combover, the pudgy behemoth did hold a gun to her head and force her to become one of the most public women in America by marriage. Melania comported herself with a quiet dignity and grace, and in doing so, she highlighted the difference between herself and the loutish slug that she married. In unguarded moments, her face showed that she would rather be at home in Trump tower, with the blankets pulled over her head, but she showed more commitment to her job than her idiot husband ever has. 

I wasn’t the only one who wanted to be playing AC III instead.

Probably my favorite part of what I caught of the shitshow with the sound off last night for about 20 minutes, and the canned snippets afterwards, were the faces on the Gruesome Threesome, Pence, Ryan, and McConnell. Pence was the lucky one, he’s had a couple of years of exposure now to perfect his technique. He sat there, staring at Trump as lovingly as a newborn puppy gazing at his master, and waited for a chance to roll over and play dead for a tummy skritch. Ryan was obviously lost here, he didn’t even make an attempt to look at the back of Trump’s head, instead gazing blankly at a spot somewhere in the upper left corner of the chamber. He was like the kid who didn’t practice the dance, getting to his feet a half a beat behind Pence, trying to blend in, and at least three times the camera caught him glancing down at his watch. But McConnell stole the show, at one point standing there stoically, leaning back, the applause thundering down around him, with his arms crossed, looking for all the world like he was waiting for John McCain to drop the thumb on his healthcare bill again. It was priceless.

Joe Kennedy III pulled off the near impossible.

Giving the opposition response to the SOTU is a thankless suicide mission, just ask Bobby Jindal and Marco Rubio about that. But last night, Joe Kennedy III pulled it off with ease. In his 15 minute response, I don’t remember him naming Trump specifically once, but he drew stark and compelling differences between the two parties, painting Trump’s America as the dark Mordor that Trump envisions for us, while showing off the cheerful and inclusive Shire that we can aspire to instead. And :We choose both” would make a helluva good bumper sticker. We’re three years out yet, but I think Mr Kennedy just punched his ticket to a major speaking role at the 2020 Democratic National Convention.

So, there you have it. I saved an hour and a half of my dwindling life, and still found plenty of things to whine about. Let me know in the comments if I missed anything major by not sitting through the whole teletubbies revue, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still be glad I missed it.

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