Michael Vadon / Flickr trump okay sign...
Michael Vadon / Flickr

Now that Donald Trump no longer types up his own confeve, it’s freed his morning Twitter sessions to reach new heights of depths. He can lean back on grease-stained sheets, flap the arms of his PJ’s, and narrate the scary night pictures in his head to a slump-shouldered Hope Hicks who increasingly wonders if it was a really a good idea to play Leia to Trump’s Jabba.

On Saturday morning, Trump wearied Hicks’ gold-chained arms as he dictated a literary classic. Mixing The Lord of the Flies with the biography of a bear of very small brains, it’s the …

The story of Donald Trump, like, a smart person

Chapter 1

Trump is beset by the slings and arrows of a totally rageous fortune

Stay with us as Trump feasts on statistics, backhands the press, vanquishes his oppressors, and ends his tale with the greatest surprise of all — a claim that he’s both competent and intelligent enough to be aware of what he’s doing.

Chapter 2

Having dashed through the action-packed opening of this missive, Trump sits down to dine on his standard fare of self-serving and distorted information.

In truth, 2017 saw the slowest job growth in years — and that was true across almost all groups. The analysis from which Trump quoted the ‘very, very good’ marks also noted a few other factors.

Trump’s immediate predecessor, Barack Obama, saw a surge in the unemployment rate during his first year, a function of the effects of the recession that was just beginning to wind down. Relative to Obama’s first year in office, Trump’s was consistently very good.

Yes. Relative to following the worst economic downturn in 70 years triggered by Republican economic policies, Trump’s first year was a peach. And he doesn’t have to worry about that record being beaten any time soon, because whoever takes over from Trump will have years worth of back-filling just to find ground-level after Trump’s economy-shattering tax fraud takes hold.

Chapter 3

Here Trump glares across the field at someone who dared wound him. Of course Ross — whose entire mistake was simply stating that Michael Flynn was going to testify about things that happened between Trump and the Russians during the campaign, when Flynn’s immediate charges were about things that happened in the transition period — issued a retraction and an apology that same evening. Meanwhile, Trump continues to lie about the whole thing.

Frankly, this seems like a chapter where the author is just foreshadowing future events. Like when Flynn does testify about the campaign period and Ross gets to do a jitterbug on Trump’s grave.

Chapter 4

Now the narrative is taking up the main thread of the story. Every time Trump claims that the Russia investigation is a joke, a bell rings. Not to signal a angel receiving it’s wings, but another work shift in the Fox News distraction mines.

As Trump waves the Republican Hero flag, there is that little factor that Ronald Reagan admitted that he was suffering from Alzheimer’s disease after leaving office. And studies that show dementia was affecting Reagan while in office. There’s also Reagan’s authorizing a major multi-national arms-for-hostages deal that violated US law left, right, and sideways about which Reagan’s most famous statement was “I don’t recall.”

Also, I want a lapdog.

Chapter 5

Now we’re at the climax, where all the threads come together into one resounding note.

And that note is: Nothing makes a 71-year-old New Yorker sound smarter than delivering a defense of his intelligence that reads like it came from a 12-year-old Valley Girl. In 1990.

Epilog

Our character rises above all his foes — in order to have a better angle to spit down on them. Proving that he is, indeed, Donald Trump, like, a smart person. And not just any smart person … a genius. A very stable genius.

Which explains the hair. 

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This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.

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