World events and notorious characters can have a significant impact on baby-naming conventions over time. That’s why you didn’t have a lot of kids named Adolf, Pol Pot, or Smallpox Blisters in your high school homeroom. And it’s why “Jeffrey Toobin” will henceforth be regarded as a simple declarative sentence instead of a name—as in “Oh, my gerd, Jeffrey’s Toobin’ on a Zoom call again.”

And so it stands to reason that the most notorious shitheel of this young century has sent his name’s prospects tumbling, like a once-viable casino run by a toxic wad of oobleck.

If the sound of the word “Donald” is enough to make the hammers, anvils, and stirrups in your ears wanna smash the shit out of each other until you hear naught but the faint siren call of Kimberly “Banshee” Guilfoyle promising that the best is coming, you’re not alone.

After all, that name has baggage. You might as well name your kid Chernobyl Chunkfarts. 

Turns out that parents of the nation have taken note. According to official tallies, the name “Donald” is no longer très chic.

HuffPost:

According to the Social Security Administration’s latest list of popular baby names, the popularity of “Donald” saw a big decline in the year 2020. The name fell 55 places, from the 555th most popular name for boys in 2019 to the 610th last year ― its lowest-ever ranking on the annual list, which dates back to the 1880s.

Donald now ranks just below Axton, Dariel, Marvin and Brycen. Last year, only 444 newborns were named Donald, compared to 507 in 2019, 539 in 2018 and 602 in 2017.

Axton? I’ve never met anyone named Axton. The only name in that short list I recognize is “Marvin,” and mostly because of this little dude. You’re in some sad, sad company there, Donald.

Donald peaked in popularity in the year 1934, when it was the sixth-most popular name for baby boys. That year, 30,408 boys (and 110 girls) were named Donald. Since then, the name has followed a general pattern of decline, though it got a slight bump from No. 489 to No. 485 in 2017, the year President Donald Trump took office. The following years, however, saw a return to the downward trend, and 2020 marked its steepest ever decline.

It’s unsurprising, of course: No progressives will ever name their kids “Donald” again. They’re more likely to name them “Covid.”

Of course, “Donald” isn’t the only casualty of the past few years. For instance, if you name your child “Karen,” you’re probably expecting her to live an adventurous life full of perpetual white-whining.

The Seattle Times:

No one wants to name their baby girl Karen any more.

The name has tanked in popularity over the past year, according to figures released by the Social Security Administration.

Throughout 2020 the name Karen fell a whopping 171 spots on the popularity list, from a low of 660 to number 831.

The popularity of various names has, of course, ebbed and flowed considerably over the years. When I went to grade school, I had four classmates named “David,” and we only had about 20 boys in the class. Then everyone was suddenly named “Jason” and “Heather.”

As Donald Trump the human-ish being prepares to belly-flop into the dustbin of history, it’s nice to see lots of canaries dying in his shitty coal mine. 

Will his name eventually have the reverse cachet that “Adolf” enjoys today? It’s too early to tell, but hey, why not? The guy tried to shiv democracy in broad daylight. I wouldn’t name my fungal toenail “Donald” at this point. Currently, I’m leaning toward naming it “Manchin,” but that depends a lot on what happens over the next few weeks.

P.S.: For those of you already named “Donald” or “Karen,” apologies for the brutal scorn that these notorious Donalds and Karens have visited upon you. Maybe you can change your name to “Aldous.”

P.P.S.: “Aldous” is not a popular name either. Just FYI. Imagine how popular it could be, if I just stopped saying things like “Chernobyl Chunkfarts.”

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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