We have all been there.  A person can only eat so many Landshire sandwiches and off-brand hot chocolate, standard hospital vending machine fare, before they might start to wig out and need some variety.  Now for most of us, we are satisfied with a hot dog or a burrito, but some might need something more exotic.

Perhaps a thumb, for example.

Man charged with assault after biting security guard’s thumb over hospital mask policy

A man is in the Wichita County Jail facing a third degree felony charge after police say he attacked a security guard at Kell West over the hospital’s COVID-19 mask policy.  It happened around 11: 45 a.m. Wichita Falls Police went to Kell West about a disturbance between 37-year-old Chad Staelens and the security guard. Police were shown security footage of Staelens trying to enter the hospital without a mask.

They say he was told multiple times by the security guard, ‘it’s hospital policy to wear a mask inside’ before Staelens continued inside where he was confronted by the security guard again.
Now most of you probably know that certain crimes have codes attached to them for the police to identify the situation quickly.  For example, a shooting is referred to as a 10-71.  But the Covid era has become so bizarre, that there are incidents for which a whole host of new codes need to be implemented.  For instance, thumb eating.  If I were the dispatcher, I would send out over the radio, “Car-22 be advised there is a WTF at Kell West Hospital, a WTF.  Please protect your appendages.”


The guard put his hands up to keep Staelens from poking him in the face and that’s when police say Staelens bit the guard’s left thumb causing it to bleed and exposing the bone.

This is no laughing matter to the security guard, who might be permanently affected by a raging maskhole trying to eat him.  He will probably need extensive treatment, and we all know that a hand is nearly useless with no thumb.

Just remember, there is no bottom with the behavior of maskholes, and the possibilites range from being punched, to shot, to stabbed, to being eaten.  I personally can not countenance a polite society allowing instances where humans start eating each other, as that will make for uncomfortable situations in lines in public places, like the DMV.

Not to mention what could spiral out of control if middle fingers turn into portable snacks in New York traffic.  Nope, eating other people has to be nipped in the bud.

But not with teeth.


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