Apparently it’s all over but the shouting. Fittingly enough, the final capitulation came not from The Pampers President himself, but instead from Ditch Mitch “No show votes” McConnell, who stated that the Senate would move quickly to vote on the compromise border security bill, and to say “Gee whiz, I shore hope the Purzident signs the gosh darn thing!” or something like that. I for one am not going to take a dance a victory Irish jig on Trump’s humiliating wall grave. Hell, I’m not that mature. Instead, I’m planning on chugging a 12 pack of Bud Light to generate the maximum piss volume. But as I watched all of these GOP losers in shiny suits walking around with Basset Hound looks on their faces, a realization hit me. This whole political Waterloo over his stupid vanity border wall is worse than they realize. The Three Horsemen of the Shitpocalypse, Limbaugh, Hannity, and Coulter seem clueless, although two of them are already cutting their losses. The Oxycontin Kid is already saying that the fact that the alleged author of The Art Of The Squeal managed to negotiate himself from $25 billion from the Democrats in return for permanence in DACA to a measly $1.375 billion for new fencing is an “embarrassment” for the President, but sticks the GOP congress with the tab, for not fighting harder. And Flat Top is sputtering and blustering about how any Republican that dares to vote for this “garbage compromise bill” is going to have to explain his capitulation to their constituents. Only Coultergeist continues to do her best banshee impersonation, moaning hollowly about how the President “talks a good game, but doesn’t have the guts to fight for the wall.” Oh yeah, and she’ll get his little dog, too! All of these slobs, from McConnell to Hannity, from Meadows to Coulter, are so busy crying in their beer about their humiliating defeat about the damn wall, that they’re failing to see that there is a bigger picture involved here, and that the wall is just one piece of a larger mosaic. It just happens to be the piece that holds the rest of the mural together. You should all know my favorite Catholic ditty by now, “In order to keep your faith intact, ensure it stays unsullied by fact.” Trump the con man is himself nothing more or less than an elaborate con. He is an illusion, a cheap trick, except that this time, when the magician pulls his hand out of the hat, there isn’t going to be a rabbit in it. Trump’s entire “mystique” was built on one central conceit, that he was a winner! The brash, loud mouth, finger pointing mogul whose favorite pastime was snarling “You’re FIRED!” to cringing underlings, although the real Donald Trump couldn’t fire up a Weber grill. The owner of a multi billion dollar real estate empire, who proudly proclaimed himself the “king of debt,” knowing full well that his audience and supporters were too dim to realize that what that really meant was that it was all somebody elses money! Trump wasn’t alone in perpetuating this scam on the dim and inattentive. Hannity, Coulter, Limbaugh, Ingraham, they all played Trump up like he was the greatest boon to man since the discovery of the polio vaccine. They touted his business acumen, […]
I have a radical ides. I know, like this is a news flash, right? Just do me one favor. Read the whole damn thing, don’t just read the next paragraph, say “What an idiot!”, and then steam off to the comments section. Read it, look at what I say in political and practical terms instead of ideological terms, think about it for a minute, and then steam off to the comments section and dump a load of shit over my head. You want to beat Donald Trump in 2020? Then “Build that wall! Build that wall!” When the Democrats get back to Washington on Tuesday, the first thing that Pelosi and Schumer should do is to get a hold of McConnell and Trump, tell McConnell, :Bring the House bills to the floor and pass them,: tell Trump, :Sign those bills and end the shutdown,” and then tell them, “If the bill that McConnell brings to the floor mirrors Trump’s proposals on Saturday, we will vote to pass it.” The first part is critical, since it means that the Democrats are no longer negotiating with the hostage taker. What? Are you crazy?!? Yeah baby, crazy like a fox. But what does that get us? Well, if we play our cards right, it gets Trump out of the White House in 2020, holds if not expands the House majority, and increases our chance of flipping the Senate. Read on, keep an open mind, and let’s look at the situation practically instead of emotionally. OK, deep breath. The Democrats Downside What are the myriad downsides for the Democrats in this radical idea? There are only two. Trump gets his wall. And the Democrats disappoint their base by caving on the wall. I’ll deal with the base in the next section. So, the Democrats cave on the wall. Oh No! Except he doesn’t. I wish everybody would get it through their heads, there is never going to be a fucking wall! There isn’t going to be a wall because Trump doesn’t want a wall. Trump wants the talisman of a wall, he wants to blame the Democrats for opposing it, he wants to hear chants about it, he wants to fund raise off of it. That’s it, nothing more. There is plenty of logic to back this assertion up. First, remember, we’re dealing with The-Gang-That-Couldn’t-Think-Straight here. Trump still hasn’t even spent 25% of the $1.6 billion he got the last go around to start his stupid wall. Early last year, Trump had the promise of $25.6 billion for his wall in return for permanent protection of DACA recipients, and he scotched the deal. In December he had $1.6 billion for the wall to keep the government open, and he eighty-sixed that plan too when the right wing party noise makers went off. Trump doesn’t actually want the wall, he wants the issue. And we know this because he’s already proven it. Trump campaigned on the wall. He’s screamed and hollered for it like a colicky 2 year old for 2 years now. But not one site has been surveyed for wall construction compatibility. Not one bid has been solicited from wall component manufacturers, or construction companies either. Some of his already existing $1.6 billion could have been sent on those logistics. If you want to build a wall, you’re going to need […]
I fought the law, and the law won The Clash As a serious comedian (a true oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one), I’ve always had a favorite pet phrase. If I heard somebody say it, I knew where my next joke was coming from. That phrase is “But it seemed like such a good idea at the time.” Of course it seemed like a good idea, or they wouldn’t have done it in the first place. What they keep forgetting is that they were under the influence of 11 Buds and 3 jello shots at the time that they decided that it would be a good idea to moon that cop car from the window of the bus. Donald Trump has spent his entire adult life flouting the law. Criminal law, civil law, tax law, social laws, it’s all the same to him. But none of them apply to him, because he’s rich, he’s powerful, and he’s smarter than anybody else. Yeah, right, and I taught Brad Pitt everything he knows about acting. But there’s one law that actually applies to Trump, and it’s the same one that the idjit keeps tripping over like a pair of untied shoe laces. And that’s the law of unintended consequences. Donald Trump shut down portions of the federal government. He did it even though he didn’t need to. He did it simply because he literally has no idea of what the federal government actually does. And that slobbering battalion of fools wearing MAGA hats cheered him on simply because they don’t have the vaguest idea of what the federal government does either. But they’re learning, and fast. In fact, they’re coming damn close to having a near-death epiphany. On Friday, a MSNBC reporter was interviewing the “little people” about the effects of the “Trump Shutdown,” and one of them actually said, “I support President Trump. I voted for him. And I think he’s doing a lot of good things. But I think he’s making a mistake. He’s hurting the wrong people.” I looked that phrase up in the official Trump-English guide, and what it translates to is :Hey! That stupid bastard is actually hurting me!” Really? Well, take a bow, fool. You honestly thought that a guy who was a millionaire by the time he was 8 years old actually has the slightest idea of what it’s like to be you? News flash. Life sucks, get a helmet. Make no mistake about it, Trump is now officially hurting his base. In another couple of weeks, Trumpaholics are going to have trouble feeding their kids, because food stamp benefits are going to have to be cut. Puddleheads with “Build that wall!” bumper stickers on their tractors can’t apply for government subsidies to help them take the sting out of the Trump Tariffs because the USDA is shut down.Sam and Suzy Screwemall are gonna get kicked out of their rent assisted apartments because Ben Carson was too busy looking at dining room sets to renew the HUD contracts, and now that department is shuttered.And Preston Whiteshoes is furious because the TSA security line at the Palm Springs airports now up to an hour and a half. These people voted for Trump because they were sick and tired of being shit on by the government, and now they’re getting shit on by Trump. The more things change, the […]
Rush Limbaugh was the harbinger of the alt-right press of today, starting out in the 80’s with his clarion conspiracy call decrying the mainstream media. He assured us, from his vicodin induced haze, that only he knew how “they” were out to get the ordinary Joe, the forgotten American, and only he could balance the […]
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Sometimes people in Washington get it plain wrong!
If conservatives support police killing citizens without justification, climate denial, fact denial, science denial, racist and misogynistic behavior, or a litany of other absurd points of view about numerous important issues, we call them out.