Up Yours, Secretary Azar!

This shouldn’t take long, In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be typing this, but I’m pissed as hell, and wanted to get it out when my full Irish was up and burning white hot. I just saw HHS Secretary Alex Azar’s little fireside chat with Chuck Todd today on Meet The Press. I ain’t up […]

Trump’s Losing Battle With “Undecided” Voters

At this point, it really doesn’t matter anymore. The Trump reelection campaign could consist of Pee Wee Herman, the Ernest Goes To Camp dude, and the Oompa-Loompa’s, and it would make no difference for Trump’s reelection. It was never about Trump’s campaign in the first place, it always was, is, and always will be all about Trump. And he is bound and determined to blow it. I will be the first to concede that there is still a small group out there, and growing smaller every day, of potential “soft” Trump voters. They are the dwindling number of 2016 Trump voters that he still hasn’t managed to turn off yet. The simple fact that they’re still there is a testament to their tenacity. At this point, there can only be two reasons that they are still sitting on that fence, Either they actually secretly like getting jabbed in the ass with those sharp points, or they are that desperate to not have to admit to themselves that they fucked up in the first place. For three long years, these addled souls gave Trump a free pass for his childish behavior, simply because it had no actual negative impact on them. But now the coronavirus is killing their friends and neighbors, unemployment is at 10%, the economy is in the tanker, and the country is finally engaging in a long overdue discussion about race relations and policing. These voters will vote for Trump again, but they want to see the grown up Trump, and not the spoiled brat. Sorry, tain’t happenin’ Dooley. When you watch Trump, there are two things you must remember. The first is that Donald Trump honestly believes that his hardest core of supporters are actually totally dependent morons. And because he believes that, when he deals with them, he treats them like totally dependent morons.  And since those morons are the only ones he actually talks to, he tailors his message specifically for them. Right now, when it comes to the coronavirus, 84% of Americans trust medical scientists. 77% trust the CDC, and 67% trust Dr Anthony Fauci. A pathetic 25% of them trust Trump. So of course the Trump White House comes out with a cheap shot, hatchet job on Fauci and the CDC. That act is pathetic enough, but even more pathetic is the fact that more than half of the quotes are intentionally misleading, or chop shop patchwork quilts of deception. I grew up in Chicago, one of the cradles of political corruption in the country. And I can tell you, if there’s one thing that everybody hates, it’s corrupt politicians. And it’s not just nationally. Every year, state, county, and local politicians get caught stuffing their pockets, or fixing other illegal goodies for friends and cohorts. And when they get caught, they go to prison, and the masses cheer. So of course Trump decides to distract people from the coronavirus by commuting the sentence of a guy who not only isn’t repentant for being a world class asshole, he revels in the fact, and flouts his newfound freedom. This is why Trump can’t get over the finish line. For the last six months, his blanket refusal to even put on the appearance of taking these national crises seriously have tanked his approval numbers, and have him on the cusp of a truly historic […]

OK Kiddies, Playtime Is Over

Q: What do you do to an elephant with three balls?   A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino instead I’m sorry, I can’t take this shit anymore. I have found that as I have gotten older I suffer fools less and less gladly, and when it comes to fucking morons, the fuse is about 1″. Almost a month ago to the day, I wrote an article in which I said that the history of the Grand Reopening of America would be a tale of two holidays. Many red states, such as Florida, Georgia, Texas , and Arizona, states that did a half ass job of shutting down in the first place were starting to reopen. Given the gestation of the virus, I said that the first spikes would likely start to appear in the week following Memorial Day, and if it went the way I thought it would, some places would be facing some uncomfortable choices when it came to celebrating the 4th of July. Well, it all came to pass, in spades. States like Texas, Arizona, Georgia, and Florida, who went balls-to-the-wall, are now seeing daily spikes in cases and hospitalizations like a bunch of 17 year old’s who found Dad’s Penthouse collection in the tool shed. And while the Trump friendly GOP Governors continue to spout the Trump pap, they are all starting to get that deer-in-the-headlights look. But there are starting to be cracks appearing in the foundation of bullshit. While insisting on chanting the Trump mantra, Arizona Governor Ducey, a chicken shit to the end, while refusing to sign off on mandatory mask wearing in public, graciously allowed individual Mayors and city councils to generate such orders on their own, with his blessing. And Ducey isn’t the only one. The Governor of Oklahoma was clearly swallowing bitter wormwood when he had to back Trump’s okay with his shit show in Tulsa tomorrow, but managed to squeeze through the handing out of masks, and other temperature check and social distancing restrictions. And other local authorities such as Mayors and city councils are also starting to look to take the bull by the horns, and seek more local autonomy to save their own citizens. But I must have taken a long nap somewhere along the line, because I missed something. When did a country make up of independent hard asses, who created colonies in an inhospitable land, kicked the ass of what at that time was the unbeatable military force in the world, opened up the rest of the country, won two world wars, created the atomic bomb, and put a man on the moon become a country so chock full of insufferable wienies?!? Earlier this week, I could only shake my head in shock and shame as I watched video of a council public meeting in Orange County, on the issue of a city order for mandatory mask wear in public. Some blonde who looked like she took a break from her Rodeo Drive shopping spree to whine in public, ranted on and on about how her body was her temple, and how nobody had the right to force her to breathe back in the same CO2 she had just expelled! I shit you not. She went on and on, about how nobody had the right to force her to cover her shimmering peach lip schmear under a […]

Truly A Den Of Thieves

Well, this is weird. For the past three years it’s been so much fun, comparing the pathetic attempts of brazen theft by the Trump administration, calling them things like The Don Cornholeone gang, or The Hole In The Head Gang, or even The Gang That Couldn’t Shit Straight. But it starts to feel like a quick trip to The Twilight Zone when you find out that all of that shit is true. Trump and his cabal are actually nothing more than third rate street thieves. Rachel Maddow broke the story last night, and with her usual inimitable style. She started by reminding people of a story they had covered a week or so ago. It concerned the height of the scramble for medical supplies, and the California chapter of the Service Employees International Union. With no assistance forthcoming from the federal government, the union undertook the daunting task of trying to unearth some and any kind of medical gear California could purchase for its hospitals. And they were successful! They were able to find a cache of 39 million masks that the state was attempting to purchase. It was a real feel good story for a dark time. Except that it turns out that it wasn’t. Turns out that it was nothing more than a cheap scam, a con thought up to try to find a way to bilk desperate states out of some easy pickings. The reason it came to light was that the FBI broke the news of the scam, along with the information that there was a criminal investigation being run out of the Pittsburgh US Attorney’s office. But wait for it, because here comes the McGuffin, and why ya gotta love Rachel. As it turns out, the FBI became aware of the scam when they began investigating the transaction so that the US government could intercept and seize the shipment upon delivery, and turn it over to FEMA to add to their stock to distribute. That’s right, the Trump mob has actually turned the Federal Bureau of Investigation into nothing more than a street gang. To use the parlance, the FBI got tipped to a soft mark, so they were casing the joint to set up an easy score when they discovered the whole thing was a fraud. And this isn’t the first time. Apparently the FBI has been running around, tracking  private state or local purchases of masks, surgical gowns, ventilators, anything in short supply, letting the state pay for the shipment, and then literally intercepting the shipment either en route or at the delivery point, and folding it into FEMA’s supplies for distribution. But here’s the really funny part, if you look at as funny in the sense of ironic. The states have tipped to this tactic. Rachel spoke of one state, which begged for anonymity to help protect itself, that has an order for a couple of freighter planes stuffed full of medical goodies. The state actually has an active plan under consideration of calling out the fucking National Guard to the delivery point, to prevent it from being hijacked by the FBI thugs! The state is actually considering threatening armed violence to help to protect it’s own property from the federal government. The texture of Trump’s hypocritical bullshit is so rich that you could package it and sell it as pate de fois gras. Remember, […]

NY Governor Cuomo Just Ripped Trump A New One

First a little prescient news. California Governor Gavin Newsome announced today that he will be coordinating with his Governors to the north in Oregon and Washington on what steps to take, and when, between them to begin loosening restrictions and starting to return to some sense of normalcy when  the conditions warrant. And it was also announced that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo will lead a three Governor group including the Governors of New Jersey and Connecticut to coordinate ways to start to reopen the northern triangle when the time is right. In the meantime, President Trump has been doing publicly what 15 year old boys normally do under the sheets in the dark most nights. He’s ranting and raving, jerking off about a brand spanking new task force that will determine how the country will reopen for business no later than May 1st. When I heard that, I immediately ran to the bedroom for a pair of Depends, nearly soiling my codpiece at the thought of future article about anything that Peter Navarro and Jared Kushner touch. Apparently The Mouth That Roared has heard the vile whispers that it isn’t his own portly, most august self who will decide when the economy reopens for business, but the governors who closed it in their states in the first place. So he limbered up his stubby thumbs, and tweeted out that while both he and the administration are coordinating with state governors, as President, it is his, and only his decision as to when and how to reopen the economy. Might it surprise you to learn that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo had a little something to say about that? Speaking to Ari Melber on MSNBC, in a calm, polite, and measured voice, Coumo ripped Trump a new one in a way that ensures that His Lowness will be sitting on an ass gasket for the foreseeable future. Coumo began by mentioning the fact that since it was not the federal government that issued a proclamation to shut down the states businesses, but the state, any federal attempt to force the governors to reopen the states business and recreation facilities would be met head on in a federal court, with a lawsuit alleging a violation of states rights. And he assured that while the suit was active, it would be his decision, and not the federal governments decision, as to what and when to reopen anything. Then Cuomo smoothly and suavely rubbed Trump’s nose in his own cowardice. He related that since Trump was too big of a chickenshit to take the unpopular step of shutting down the country as a whole, and forcing people to shelter in place for endless weeks, leaving that unpalatable chore to the governors, he had forfeit any right to assume the mantle of a conquering hero, who waves a magic wand, and reopens the economy and lets everybody back outside to breathe free air again. Those two things alone will have El Pendejo Presidente baying at the moon like a retarded hound for at least a fortnight yet. But then Cuomo went for the kill shot, and it was a thing of beauty to watch. As a sitting governor, dealing with granular details every day, Cuomo came right and challenged Trump to make good on his word. His dare […]

Trump’s Latest Coronavirus Bummer

In the interest of public safety and interest, I’m going to provide a public service announcement. I think we can all agree that Trump’s daily press conferences to update the American public on the progress of the coronavirus are an unmitigated disaster. But there is actually a fairly simple fix to them that would make them both more effective, and more accurate. When they go out to the podium, Trump stands off to the side and lets everybody else go first! Then, when they’re done imparting actual, useful information, he can stand in front of the microphone and answer questions with pithy statements like, Uh, yeah, like he said. I realize that this won’t satisfy Trump’s craving for media dominance, but at least it will keep him from looking like the guy who just got off of his 47th consecutive ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl. This whole corona-virus thing has been nothing but one big disappointment for Trump. Trump’s whole style of leadership as President is that he walks out, sits down, fires up his child proofed Sharpie, and holds up some schlock document while the crowds swoon at his feet. Trump is not used to actually having to know shit, nor is he used to being blamed for his ignorance on said shit, and the whole thing is just starting to royally piss him off. And now it looks like we’re entering a new phase that’s only going to piss him off even more. Remember how Trump structured his company. He remained a private holding instead of incorporating, with all of the cash that could have infused, because he wanted no CEO or directors to have to answer to, or give input to. His basic management style has been described as “snake pit,” keeping employees fighting with each other so that they can’t plot against him. How many times have you heard the White House referred to in just such a description? But at the end, there is only abject obeisance. People must beg and grovel to His Lowness in order to get anything done. Trump has tried to run all of the federal government this way, micro-managing every department to ensure that his ass is properly kissed in order to get anything done. What Trump doesn’t understand is that the federal government is the place that everybody tithes their taxes too, and that everybody looks to for assistance in times of trouble. This includes state governments, who rightly look to the behemoth federal government for assistance in crises, especially national crises that they can’t handle on their own. Floods, tornadoes, earthquakes, droughts, anything unforeseen and out of their control, the federal government is the answer. And this is where Trump’s newest monumental bummer is coming from. I sincerely believe, knowing Trump’s psyche the way I do, that as the coronavirus shit hits the turbine engine, that El Pendejo Presidente has been sitting in the Oval Office, waiting for the phone to ring, as Governors like Pritzjer, Newsom, Sisolak, Inslee and Cuomo call him up, groveling at his feet, and kissing his ass for any assistance they can give to them. But it’s not happening. Oh, they’re calling him up alright, often in bunches in conference calls, but they’re not complimenting his leadership, and they’re not kissing his ass, instead they’re making demands. And what’s worse yet, once they make those demands, […]

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