Gage Skidmore / Flickr sean hannity...
Gage Skidmore / Flickr

If Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller thought he had it bad trying to get to the heart of this entire, tangled web of deceit that is the Trump-Russia investigation without getting blown out of the sky by His Lowness, his job just got harder. Turns out Trump brought his friends.

If Steve Bannon is Trump’s “wingman on the outside,” then I guess that would make FOX anchor Sean Hannity his what, exhaust port? But if Bannon has Trump’s back, Hannity has his left pinky toe, and he’s willing to go down in a blaze of glory to protect it goddammit!

Last night Hannity took a deep legal dive into what makes Mueller such a mean pig to Trump, and since Hannity knows as much about legal issues as he does about reading Sanskrit, he brought a legal expert to the table.

He brought none other than the legendary Gregg Jarrett. Yeah, I know, “Say who?!?” I’ll have you know that Gregg Jarrett is one of the preeminent legal analysts in broadcast media.  He has a wealth of experiences in the intricacies of serious legal investigation and prosecution, after all, he used to be a host on Court TV! I know, cuz nothing says “legal knowledge” like spending hours prattling on about the Menendez Brothers and shit, right?

Jarrett was as usual, a totally incompetent douche last night, referring to the investigation as “illegitimate and corrupt,” and referring to the FBI as “America’s secret police.” He worked himself up into a foamy lather rich enough to shave with, and  Hannity was right there in a pleated skirt, waving pom-poms. According to The Hill it went something like this;

“And the FBI has become America’s secret police. Secret surveillance, wiretapping, intimidation, harassment and threats. It’s like the old KGB that comes for you in the dark of the night banging through your door,” he continued.

“By the way, this is not a game. This is not hyperbole you are using here,” Hannity said.”No. Ask Paul Manafort, they came for him and broke through his front door,” Jarrett replied.they actually picked the lock on the front door to gain entry, and then knocked on the closed bedroom door to announce their arrival

Let me tell you brother, you gotta pay real cash money for that kind of righteous indignation. Just one small thing Gregg, in reality, the FBI didn’t actually b reak down Paul Manafort’s doors in the raid. They had a “no knock” warrant, they picked the lock on the front door, and knocked on the closed bedroom door to announce themselves. But come on, this is like, live tv and stuff, and Jarrett’s description sounds so much more “Law and Order, SVU” than boring old reality.

But I don’t want you to think that all jarrett and Hannity do all night long is to make stuff up. They also have a regular Abbott and Costello routine going for misrepresenting stuff too. As i this gem of broadcasting integrity;

“The FBI is a shadow government now,” Jarrett told Hannity. “It has become highly politicized. Peter Strzok is the perfect example of it. He led both the Hillary Clinton investigation and until recently the Mueller investigation. This is a guy who has corrupt political motives. We now know it”

OK, Peter Strzok was an investigator on the Mueller team who was discovered to have sent anti Trump, pro Hillary texts to another agent on the investigation he was allegedly having an affair with. When Mueller found out, he immediately banished Strzok to the Siberia of HR, the partner had already left the team voluntarily. So, Mueller immediately excises this cancer as soon as he diagnoses it, while Trump is actively supporting and campaigning for an accused pedophile, but Mueller is the one with the morals of an alley cat?

I bring this to you as fair warning. Stand around the water cooler and bullshit at your own risk. If you go to lunch with coworkers, take preventative measures such as ear plugs. Because, Cluster FOX is an insidious, apparently incurable virus, and chances are that someone you know is infected. You will be hearing about this in all seriousness. Bur, forewarned is forearmed, and now you know.

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