PBS NewsHour / YouTube What Robert Mueller brings to the...
PBS NewsHour / YouTube

Subtle … is not on the menu at Gateway Pundit or NewsMax, the two conservative outlets who are apparently coordinating on the story of Robert Mueller, sex monster.

On Monday evening, Gateway Pundit writer Jacob Wohl revealed his staggering insight into upcoming stories by revealing that “media sources tell me that a scandalous story about Mueller is breaking tomorrow.” And just like clockwork, Newsmax reporter Jack Burkman popped up on Tuesday morning to announce “some sad news.” According to Burkman, on Thursday, Newsmax would be revealing the “first of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s sex assault victims.”

And then—in between stories about how Democrats recruited Caser Sayoc years in advance to bomb Democrats—Gateway Pundit writer Jim Hoft published a story, complete with semi-official-looking blacked-out ‘court documents’ accusing Robert Mueller of grabbing a woman in a bar, informing her of his name, forcing her into an elevator, telling her he was FBI, hauling her to his hotel room under threats, raping her, and warning her that he was “a very powerful law enforcement officer” so she should never tell.

Wohl was, of course, on top of this surprising development from “media sources.” Which, considering that it broke from the media source where he works, doesn’t seem to suggest all that high a level of prescience. But Wohl was in it all the way, posting multiple tweets with the #WeBelieveSurvivors. This fits well with the Gateway Pundit comments which uniformly were along the lines of “You have to believe the woman! You have to!” Except … not when the survivor does not exist.

And all this would be so, so believable … except. First off, the scheme to smear Mueller was so clumsily handled that apparently it involved called semi-random women to find someone who would agree to take a payoff to mouth their provided script. And before Gateway Pundit and Newsmax decided “screw it, we’ll just do it ourselves” they tried to get every media outlet inside and outside Washington to carry this pot of poo for them.

The result was, long before the scheme actually broke the surface on Wednesday night, Robert Mueller had already forwarded the matter to the FBI for investigation.

And … oh, it’s gets better.

Following in the footsteps of such cover-up luminaries as Michael Cohen, it appears that someone created a fake company to provide the funding and push out the notes for the Robert Mueller, Sex Monster story.

NBC reports that The fake company in this case is SureFire Intelligence. Which has to be right up there in the history of names designed to generate laughter for years to come. Who created SureFire Intelligence? Why … it’s mister “media sources tell me” himself!

Krassenstein and other journalists also pointed to Jacob Wohl, a disgraced hedge fund manager turned pro-Trump conspiracy theorist and Surefire Intelligence, a company connected to him, as being involved with Burkman’s alleged plot.

Wohl then began beating his chest about “a coordinated smear campaign” … against him. During which he asserted that he had nothing to do with that company. Nope. Nothing.

Which was swiftly followed by someone taking the unexpected course of actually taking ten seconds to look up a registration.

Oh, THERE IS MORE.

And suddenly Jacob Wohl has more fame than he ever expected — as the leading candidate in an FBI investigation concerning a campaign to smear a government official by paying for false statements.

Wohl is bouncing up and down proclaiming that he is being smeared and proclaiming that no one has been paid because his intricate investigation into the woman who everyone says did not exist, shows that the woman did not exist, and that proves … oh, hell. Who knows? In any case, he’s made it to the #3 trending slot on Twitter.

Burkman is being … very, very quiet. But stay tuned for his announcement on Thursday morning. It’s a cinch he’ll have the full attention of the FBI.

And in case you need more about the guy at the back of this thing. Wohl lists himself as “a financier.”

Oh wait! There’s even more. Jacob Wohl is also the “hipster coffee shop” guy. That is, the guy who claimed to be always listening in on conversations at LA hipster coffee shops to reveal that liberals really think that Trump is great. As the Daily Dot reported …

“I go to coffee shops and overhear conversations that are pro-Trump in nature between people who are prototypical LA hipster liberals,” he said over Twitter.

Go read that bit. Hipster liberals talking up Trump’s economy, his immigration policy, and his manly handling of Vladimir Putin. Those darn liberals secretly love the guy.

Honestly, no one should worry about Wohl. After all, a criminal campaign to spread misinformation and generate false news is practically a ticket to the front of the line for conservative heroes. Considering that he was busted for plagiarism, he can call it Project Veritas. Or Breitbart. Or both.

In the meantime, sit back and enjoy what the FBI can do when they are not limited to talking to PJ and Squi.

This is going so well for them already.


Update 

Ohhh, you thought it could not get better.

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This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.

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