Rep. Nunes runs into trouble as court briefing points out cows do not have opposable thumbs

558
PBS NewsHour / YouTube WATCH Rep Devin Nunes full questioning 1574879301.jpg...
PBS NewsHour / YouTube

There are some things in the universe that are difficult to understand. Why do some people love black jelly beans and others hate them? Why did America reject both the Metric system and Yahoo Serious? But some facts are just so obvious there is no dispute.

In a court filing in Virginia, former Democratic National Committee employee Adam Parkhomenko puts forward an argument against Rep. David Nunes that seems, well, on face value to be unbelievable that there is any dispute. His point: cows do not have opposable thumbs, and therefore, cannot write Twitter commentary.

The Sacramento Bee covers the controversy here:

“No reasonable person would believe that Devin Nunes’ cow actually has a Twitter account, or that the hyperbole, satire and cow-related jokes it posts are serious facts,” reads the filing in Virginia’s Henrico County Circuit Court. “It is self-evident that cows are domesticated livestock animals and do not have the intelligence, language, or opposable digits needed to operate a Twitter account. Defendant ‘Devin Nunes’ Mom’ likewise posts satirical patronizing, nagging, mothering comments which ostensibly treat Mr. Nunes as a misbehaving child.”

This response is related to a lawsuit by Rep. Nunes, demanding that he know the real names behind the accounts, while several argue there is absolutely no reason to do so — they do not constitute defamation as it is obvious they are done in hyperbolic satire.

Several websites are devoted to discovering and discussing animals who do have opposable thumbs, who can be trained to use better function of a hand. Animals like Gibbons, Gorillas, Chimpanzees, Grivets.. but absolutely no cows at all.

No word on whether or not Rep. Nunes will respond to this court filing, but it is clearly obvious that a cow will not.

Because, again, they don’t have thumbs. They also have a hoof covering which would make using a Twitter or court ready electronic filing device difficult.

No word yet on whether or not there are new voice translation options for bovine to tweets. I’m sure the Rep. will try to find out.

Thank you to all who already support our work since we could not exist without your generosity. If you have not already, please consider supporting us on Patreon to ensure we can continue bringing you the best of independent journalism.

Leave a Comment

3 Comments on "Rep. Nunes runs into trouble as court briefing points out cows do not have opposable thumbs"

avatar
  Subscribe  
newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Rutokin
Guest
Rutokin

Mr moooonez why on earth would you want to sue a cow? With all the troubles heading your way I would gather up your udders and cow tails and head back your little postage stamp sized farm and put yourself out to pasture. I thought that the article was moooooving.

DHG
Guest

Nunes is going to be slapped down by the courts and the House ethics committee, I would love to see him expelled from the House for cause.

Dick Panico
Guest
Dick Panico

Nunes , AKA The (sneaky snake) , of Washington , DC .