Pat yourself on the back if you sized Donald Trump up in two minutes, like a normal person. You could have instead been Ethan Nordean, who wasted years of his life and squandered his precious freedom for a guy who’d likely feed him to alligators—or a marginally more reptilian creature such as Roger Stone—if he ever showed up at one of his golf courses.

Nordean is a “sergeant-at-arms” (FYI: All of these military titles are pretend) of the Proud Boys Seattle chapter, and he’s had it with his supreme golden clod. Nordean has been charged with conspiracy, obstruction of an official proceeding, and aiding and abetting in connection with his alleged assault on the Capitol on Jan. 6, and he’s none too happy with his Amazing Disappearing Messiah.

Take a look, and try not to laugh too hard:

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For the nontweeters:

“Alright I’m gonna say it. FUCK TRUMP! Fuck him more than Biden. I’ve followed this guy for 4 years and given everything and lost it all. Yes he woke us up, but he led us to believe some great justice was upon us…and it never happened, now I’ve got some of my good friends and myself facing jail time cuz we followed this guys [sic] lead and never questioned it. We are now and always have been on our own. So glad he was able to pardon a bunch of degenerates as his last move and shit on us on the way out. Fuck you trump you left us on [t]he battle field bloody and alone.”

Ouch.

But wait! I thought Trump was going to join the insurrectionists at the Capitol building on Jan. 6. That’s what he said, anyway. And as every true Proud Boy knows, Donald Trump is always true to his word.

Of course, as Nordean suggests, Trump could have pardoned Nordean and his confederates, and he probably would have if there had been anything in it for him—like if Nordean had a relative who worked at KFC and could slip him a few bonus pieces of Extra Crispy in his buckets. But, alas. This is just some fool who sacrificed everything important in his life for what he saw as a righteous cause. Trump hates suckers like that.

From USA Today:

Prosecutors say Nordean, along with other Proud Boys members, planned to push through police barricades and force themselves inside the building that day.

[…]

In a court filing Thursday, prosecutors detailed communications sent through the instant messaging app Telegram that they say show additional evidence that Nordean and other Proud Boys members conspired to breach the Capitol. Prosecutors included the anti-Trump diatribe in which Nordean seemed to acknowledged he and others are facing criminal charges because they followed Trump’s lead.

Okay, get this through your cartilaginous skulls, Trumpers: Donald Trump doesn’t care about you. He never did. Do you still check your bank account every 30 minutes to see if the Nigerian prince has deposited your money? It’s over, y’all. You’ve been scammed, and that’s all there is to it.

This does give me some hope, though. Trump lost the 2020 election by 7 million votes, and it doesn’t look like he’s picked up a single voter since then. On the other hand, people like Nordean are slowly waking up.

Let’s hope they’re all out of their comas by the 2022 midterms, at least.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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1 COMMENT

  1. I sized the former guy up close to 50 years ago when I first heard his name and saw his likeness in the NY papers. He looked like a skeez then, he looks like one now, only worse. A disgusting pile of human shit, not worth the powder to blow him to hell. Wait, I want to change my mind on that last part.

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