Shea Huening / Flickr Trump x27 s America Propaganda Poster...
Shea Huening / Flickr

This is getting to be fun. A few days ago His Lowness’ administration announced that the US government was going to open up basically the entire eastern and western seaboards for offshore drilling. This set off squeals of outrage from every single Governor, Democratic and Republican, who have so much as 6′” of coastline on either ocean. Why do I get the feeling that Trump just happened to see an old rerun of Caribou Barbie screaming “Drill baby, drill!” while he snarfed down a bacon double cheeseburger in his jammies, and decided to open the floodgates with neither advance consultation with, or notification to the Governors affected?

Once again Trump showed his complete ignorance of the import of his words and actions. But, within 48 hours, he showed that he was also completely incapable of understanding the “optics” of his words and actions when the administration announced that Florida would be exempt from this ruling, following a phone call from GOP Florida Governor Rick Scott.

I can’t help but wonder what was said in that phone conversation. But, having practically lived in Trump’s feeble mind for the last two years, I can hazard a guess.


“Yes, Marcie?”

“Sir, the Governor of Florida is on line one.” 

“Put him through”

“Hey Rick! The President here. Howz it hanging, buddy?”

“Not so good Mr President.”

“Why, what’s wrong? Nothing happened to Mar-A-Lago, did it? The flagpoles not too high again?”

“No sir, everything is fine at Mar-A-Lago as far as I know.”

“Then, what’s wrong?”

“Sir, I just saw that you announced that you were opening up the entire eastern seaboard to offshore drilling. Is that correct?”

Yep, sure is. Rexxon, I mean Exxon thought it was a great idea. So did Chevron, Mobil, and Shell. Energy independence and stuff, ya know?”

Sir, with all due respect, have you lost your tiny FUCKING MIND?!?”

“Of course not, don’t even say that! I’m not only a genius, I’m an incredibly stable genius, you know that! What’s the problem?”

“What’s the problem? What’s the PROBLEM?!? I can give you the problem in two simple words. Deepwater fucking Horizon!”

“I hated that movie. Not enough shooting and kickfighting in it.”

“Sir, the Deepwater Horizon was an actual event. I happened in 2010, and it destroyed the ecology, fishing and tourism along the gulf coast for years. Especially since the oil companies totally fucked up the clean up response.”

“2010? Who can remember that far back. Besides, if anything really bad happens, we have much better science stuff and plans to deal with it this time. Don’t worry about it Rick.”

“Don’t WORRY about it?!? With all due respect, you guys can’t even restore electricity to fucking Puerto Rico, and all of the machinery and hardware is already there. Besides, there’s another problem, that might affect you personally sir.”

“Oh, really? And what problem is that Rick?”

“Sir, I just heard a rumor that the Palm Beach county commissioners are seriously considering raising the property taxes for all of the luxury residences and hotels in the county.”

“What?!? Ummm. What is we announce an exemption for Florida in the new plan?”

“That would be a great idea Mr President. I’ll give the commissioners a call right now.”

“Thanks Rick, and thanks for the heads up. Always great talking to you.” -click

“What is it now, Marcie?”

“Sir, the Governor or South Carolina is on line 2.”

“Tell him I’m in the shitter Marcie.” -click-

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