I’m loath to admit how much Pillow Man footage I watch in my spare time, usually while gliding on the gossamer wings of some dank ‘n’ skunky PNW bud.
At the moment, however, I’m sober as a judge, assuming that judge isn’t Brett Kavanaugh. And I happened to stumble across the following clip, which I decided I simply could not bogart.
But first, some context: Uber-Trump sycophant Mike Lindell, the Pillow Man in question, is holding what he calls a cyber symposium from Aug. 10-12 in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Because if you want the national media, beltway insiders, and hundreds of the world’s top IT experts to show up to your event, everyone knows the place to be is … South Dakota.
So Lindell thinks Trump actually won the election with 80 million votes to Joe Biden’s 68 million. He claims he has “packet captures” that prove China attacked the election through Dominion Voting Systems machines, and he’s certain that when the Supreme Court sees the evidence he has, it will vote 9-0 to take down the 2020 election and reinstall Trump.
All caught up? (Yeah, I could have just said, “This dude’s cuckoo for crack puffs” and left it at that, but then you’d only understand 20% of what he’s blathering on about here instead of, say, half.)
But while all of the above is sublimely weird, it’s nothing next to this. Here’s Lindell this past weekend at the Reawaken America Tour in Anaheim, California:
LINDELL: “People keep asking me today, ‘Did he win California?’ People keep asking me that. Okay. You want me to wait till Aug. 10 to tell you? Okay, the answer, this is going to be a subjective answer but it’s the best answer I can give you. If you take the machines, if you take that fraud out of the picture, he still loses by a little bit. But, I call it, that’s the machine fraud, that’s the cyberattack. Now there was something, I call the organic theft. This is what Donald Trump wins all those other swing states on anyway. That’s dead people voting, illegals voting, nonresidents voting, minors voting, people with seven ballots voting. That’s the organic theft, okay? If you add that in to California, I believe Donald Trump won the state of California.” [Huge cheers from assembled members of the deludenoid community]
Okay, if you follow politics even a little, you know it’s basically impossible for Trump to have won California. The final FiveThirtyEight snapshot of aggregated polls prior to the election showed Biden with a 29.2% lead. As a Biden supporter, I fretted about plenty of states before Nov. 3. I never spent a nanosecond worrying about California. In the end, Biden won the state by—oh, lookee here—exactly 29.2%.
In other words, no one believes Donald Trump won California. No one—with the possible exceptions of Pillow Man and Donald Trump.
Of course, Lindell also thinks Donald Trump was a great commander in chief who, and this is a direct quote, “is the only president in my lifetime who wasn’t in it for the ego and worked only for the people and not for his own interests.” So you can see he’s not the brightest bulb on the marquee.
No doubt Lindell actually thinks what he’s doing is historic. He’s certain that one day he’ll be placed among our pantheon of great patriots and that his mustache will hang in the Smithsonian next to Bill Cosby’s sweater.
And when Aug. 13—the day of reckoning—finally arrives, I expect he’ll be gobsmacked. It won’t be pretty.
But that doesn’t mean he’ll give up. After all, he has the “great” Donald Trump by his side. And how could anyone ever give up on Supermanatee?
It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.
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