The mustachioed mound of clotted cream known as Mike Lindell is slowly putrefying under the klieg lights of legal scrutiny, and yet he appears not to know it. In February 2021, Dominion Voting Systems sued Lindell for $1.3 billion because a known fraudster told Lindell the 2020 election had been fixed for Joe Biden and Dominion had arranged it—and Pillow Man instantly freebased that goofy nonsense like the proud recovering addict that he is.

Since then, Lindell has doubled, tripled, and more or less googolplexed down on his brazen claims, because the Big Lie has apparently seeped through his blood-brain barrier, bound to the receptors in his occipital lobe, and prevented anything remotely rational from filtering in. And now Dominion—which probably hired a stenographer ages ago, just to write down everything Lindell says—is insisting he hand over discovery information related to the lawsuit.

And how is Pillow Man responding? Not at all rationally. 

Business Insider:

In a filing submitted to the judge Monday night, the other lawyers in the case said Lindell’s lawyers stopped showing up to meetings designed to hash out a schedule for the case the day after Dominion’s lawyers served them with a request for documents.

“Lindell and MyPillow’s change in position on whether the Court ordered and the Parties engaged in a conference presumably reflects their effort to avoid responding to requests for production Plaintiffs served the day before,” the filing said.

As someone who’s seen way more Pillow Man pabulum than is recommended, or healthy, or conducive to a contented, well-rounded life, I can tell you what’s happening here. Lindell is convinced that this suit against him has no merit—indeed, he countersued Dominion, in a maneuver that legal scholars have since dubbed the “I’m rubber and you’re glue” gambit. He’s sticking his fingers in his ears until either Donald Trump returns to dissolve the federal courts or Jesus flies in on a My Little Pony to rapture him to that beatific ButterBurger in the sky.

Unfortunately for Lindell, the courts will not wait for his fantasies to bear fruit. Since Dominion filed its suit against Lindell—as well as prominent Big Liars Sidney Powell and Spritzin’ Rudy Giuliani—U.S. District Judge Carl Nichols has denied the defendants’ request to dismiss the suits. In September, Nichols ordered Lindell and the other parties named in Dominion’s lawsuits to create a schedule for the discovery process.

But Lindell and his lawyers have since taken their ball and gone home.

But after attending a few scheduling meetings, Lindell’s lawyers informed the others on January 6 that they didn’t want to participate in the scheduling conferences anymore. Lindell’s lawyers said they were planning to appeal to the Supreme Court Nichols’ rejection of their motion to dismiss and that they wouldn’t participate in discovery until then.

You know, Lindell talks about the Supreme Court a lot: The Supreme Court is going to pull down the 2020 election and give the victory to Trump. The Supreme Court is going to hear his latest election fraud case. The Supreme Court is going to declare 24-hour access to IHOP lingonberry pancakes an inalienable human right.

Dude! Shut up about the Supreme Court already. You’re not going to get anything done in the Supreme Court unless a majority of the justices succumb to Neil Gorsuch’s freedom phlegm and President Biden inexplicably replaces them all with McDonaldland characters. In other words, not gonna happen. Get some sleep, Mike. You don’t look so good these days.

According to the filing from the other parties involved in Dominion’s suit, “Lindell and MyPillow’s position is that they will refuse to participate in consolidated discovery unless and until they have fully exhausted their appeal of the Court’s denial of their Motions to Dismiss … Lindell and MyPillow also said they are seriously taking appeals from both orders all the way to the United States Supreme Court, if need be.”

There’s yet another Supreme Court fever dream. You know, the Supreme Court is pretty busy. I doubt they have the time to hold Mike Lindell’s hand and explain to him how the court system works in a liberal democracy, but here we are.

Who knows where this will all lead? It’s hard to imagine it will be a good place for Deludenoid Lindell. Dominion has asked the court to impose a Sept. 29 deadline for handing over the discovery materials, and unlike Lindell’s numerous deadlines for Trump’s return, this one would be real.

What happens after that? Perhaps Lindell plans to take a cue from Homer Simpson.

Good luck in Wonderland, Mike. Unfortunately, you may have to step back over to this side of the looking glass sooner or later, and face your accusers.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.

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