Hello, my name is Aldous, and my hobbies include reading, going to the movies, smoking weed, shouting Alvin Styczynski lyrics at absinthe fairies, and chafing my brain to a weary nub watching Pillow Man Mike Lindell. Some of these activities overlap, naturally, but I’m not going to tell you which.

Okay, fine, here’s a hint:


I probably exceeded my lifetime allowance of Lindell back in June sometime, but the guy is so weirdly engaging it’s hard to resist tuning in to the programs on his website, Frankspeech.com, from time to time. Fittingly, there’s actually something called the Lindell Recovery Network, though it’s not for shaking an addiction to Lindell himself. It has something to do with crack or whatever. And probably Jesus. Fuck if I know. I didn’t investigate further because my Lindell jones is completely under control. It’s not like I repeatedly sneak into the bathroom with my phone at restaurants and clubs while he’s broadcasting to catch a few lines. I mean, three, four times, tops.

So, naturally, I’ll be tuning in to Lindell’s 2021 Thanks-a-Thon, which kicks off at midnight Central time on Wednesday night/Thursday morning and runs through Sunday. Ninety-six hours of the thickest fucknut you’ll ever lay eyes on regurgitating nonsense he’s heard from people who are only marginally more aware of their surroundings than he is. 

The focus of—and raison d’être for—the Thanks-a-Thon is the Supreme Court lawsuit Lindell is promoting to overturn the 2020 election. (Yes, he’s still doing that.) And even though there’s a better chance Lindell’s mustache will successfully sue him for emancipation than that SCOTUS will hear this case, Mike remains convinced it’s such a slam-dunk the justices will vote 9-0 to accept it.

But he has to get it filed first.


“We will have this before the Supreme Court before Thanksgiving,” he promised in September. “That’s my promise to the people of this country.”

On Tuesday evening, he published a copy of the complaint on his website, though it appeared to be missing some essential components and he had apparently failed to get any state attorneys general to sign on to it.

“We are in unchartered territory as a Nation. The November 2020 election was stolen,” the complaint begins, before launching into a series of false and debunked allegations about supposed illegal voting in Georgia, Michigan, Wisconsin, Arizona and Pennsylvania.

Oh, don’t let Lindell hear you say this is “false and debunked” information. That pornstache will go supernova, believe me. At no time can boorish reality be permitted to intrude on the delicate equilibrium of bullshit and horseshit that is Frankspeech.com.

Oh, and in case you want to know if Lindell’s lawsuit has merit … uh …


Hey, I’m no lawyer, but this really doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere. Then again, maybe Pillow Man knows more than I think he does. Anything is possible, I suppose. Unfortunately, as legal experts go, Lindell is a pretty good ex-crack addict.

What about you? How are you celebrating your holiday weekend?

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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