Mike Pence. 

The very sound of his name brings to mind albino purse poodles, lightly masticated tapioca starch, and unscented urinal cakes. Or a mayo-larded potato salad that looked safe when you were in line at the church potluck, but somehow just isn’t sitting right anymore.

To call him nondescript would be an insult to off-white vinyl flooring. I know the guy was vice president for four years, but beyond that, what is there to know about him? And what could possibly be in his memoir? Endless photos of him staring at Donald Trump like a constipated otter in an animatronic jug band?

I just can’t imagine what he’d fill one book with, much less two. But, hey, he was famous, so someone wants to give him an advance to write books—plural.

Frankly, I’m gobsmacked. And unless Chapter One of book one is titled “Donald Trump tried to kill me, so fuck that diseased orange clown,” I’m also horrified.

From The Guardian:

Mother of all book deals: Mike Pence signs seven-figure deal for memoirs

Mike Pence has signed a two-book deal for his memoir that is reported to be worth millions of dollars, making him one of the first of former president Donald Trump’s inner circle to announce such a lucrative arrangement.

Pence’s autobiography, currently untitled, is scheduled to come out in 2023. CNN reported that the former vice-president’s deal is worth seven figures, somewhere between $3m and $4m.

“I am grateful to have the opportunity to tell the story of my life in public service to the American people, from serving in Congress, to the Indiana governor’s office and as vice-president of the United States,” Pence said in a statement. “I look forward to working with the outstanding team at Simon & Schuster to invite readers on a journey from a small town in Indiana to Washington, DC.”

Heh heh. “Mother of all book deals.” Good one, Guardian.

Honestly, though, who’s the audience for this? True-believer MAGAs hate him, and so does everyone else. Unless this is slated to be a two-volume epic saga about that time a fly landed on his head and refused to leave, I’m not sure what the appeal could be.

There are only so many books the Republican National Committee can buy and only so many wobbly-legged pool tables in the whole of Christendom.

But, hey, if he’s still deluded enough to think he can run for president and win, he’s likely convinced himself he has hundreds of interesting things to say, too.

In all seriousness, the only thing I really want to hear from Mike Pence is how he felt while Donald Trump was trying to murder him, but for some reason, I doubt he’ll touch on that. It could be perceived as disloyal, after all.

”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.”  Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via Twitter. Need a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear F*cking Lunatic, Dear Pr*sident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!

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