Does “Horseface and Tiny” work for you as the title to a love story? Jack Shafer at New York Magazine analyzes the dynamic between Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump and frames their “relationship” in the context of classic Shakespearean lovers.
Like many of the heroes and heroines of screwball comedy, Donald and Stormy met cute. As Ben Schreckinger reminds us in a recent feature, in July 2006 Trump was recently married to a model (a third wheel is a must for a screwball comedy) and had a newborn son. While shooting a practice round of golf at a celebrity tournament in Tahoe, he was stunned by the sight of Stormy Daniels, who was at the tournament doing publicity for her porn studio—or at least that’s how Stormy recalls the meeting. Soon, doncha know, she was riding in Trump’s golf cart and one thing led to another before she says the two were boppin’ squiddles back in his hotel room. “I want to see you again,” Trump said after they were done, according to Stormy. “When can I see you again?” (Trump has denied the affair, but admitted to paying $130,000 to Stormy as part of a nondisclosure agreement.)
On the surface, the two have nothing in common. He was to the tax-evading manner born. She grew up the child of a single mother. But look at what the pair share. Both love publicity. Both favor the vulgar. Both regard sex as an Olympic sport, or maybe even as a form of battle—he once compared his sexual exploits to the dangers of the Vietnam War. She gets her blonde hair from a bottle. So does he. Stormy says he told her that she reminded him of his daughter Ivanka (!!!!!). And both are headstrong, lippy characters, quick to fashion their words into swords to do battle.
And dear God, take a look at this. Matchmaking between Lady Melania and Michael Avenatti, because the third wheel has to vanish at some point so that the lovers can be together.
First we would have to write Melania out of the story, but how hard would that be? Despite her protests, she can’t be that happy with the philandering husband. His brand of transactional sex is much more Stormy’s speed, we must explain to her, and she’d be much better off matched with someone more loyal. Who’s available? Would Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti work as a spouse? He’s single, after all, and like Melania is a snappy dresser. What would be more satisfyingly Shakespearean than Trump’s foe becoming a part of his modern extended family?
Before Stormy was “Horseface” she was “Honeybunch” and more importantly, Trump compared her to Ivanka. For her part, Stormy has been quite the shrew. Stormy said that Trump lasted “maybe” two minutes in bed and that the sex was “textbook generic” and of course her most infamous crack at this point is that his penis resembles the Toad character from Mario Kart.
So, on these facts, can these two ever find lasting love? Stay tuned, because in this alternate reality we live in since 11/9 anything is possible. Anything.
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