After years of research, top government scientists believe they have achieved a breakthrough in fence design that will finally accomplish what all previous human wallage could not. That breakthrough: Make it pointy.
“There have always been pointy fences,” a senior administration official acknowledged. “But we’re talking here about a level of pointy not previously attempted.”
A design of our Steel Slat Barrier which is totally effective while at the same time beautiful! pic.twitter.com/sGltXh0cu9
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 21, 2018
The Same Fence, But Pointier was developed by an elite team of Republican scientists selected from point-centric industries around the nation. Led by the team who developed Bic pens but with major contributions from the makers of barbecue forks, knitting needles and Trump(TM) branded golf tees, fence architects worked for two years to develop a fence design that would combine the required tallness and longness with a series of uncomfortable pointy tops.
“People don’t like sitting on pointy things,” another senior official observed. “I mean, some people do, but in general. So that’s where the idea came from.”
Inspiration for the fence’s design came from the familiar wrought iron fences surrounding cemeteries, private residences and some parking lots found both here and in Europe. Wall scientists had long observed that pointy fences were considerably more effective than non-pointy versions, but could still be breached by persistent or extremely drunken intruders. The team focused on determining whether new advances in point-making could be applied to the nearly 2,000 miles of desert border between the United States the rest of the non-Canadian continent.
“That was where we started from,” said a member of the team who wished to remain anonymous due to the political controversy surrounding their research. “What we learned is that you can actually make these things quite pointy, if you’re willing to develop new techniques and materials.”
Unveiled by Trump in a recent tweet, the final design consists of long metal slats which are very, very pointy. An artist’s rendition highlights the pointiness of each stick in comparison to a full-sized, not particularly pointy Border Patrol vehicle.
“They’re enormous, and they’re very pointy” said the scientist. “This is a level of pointy that prior fence designs never even contemplated.”
Now that scientists are satisfied with the fence’s overall design, the next step will be in securing funding. White House counselor Kellyanne Conway says the administration is contemplating a nationwide GoFundMe campaign in which Americans will be able to sponsor individual slats, customizing them with personalized messages.
“Due to the advanced materials required, each pointed slat will cost about $10,000 to install. So for that $10,000, you’ll sponsor a slat and it will be engraved with your name or that of a loved one. We’re calling it Pricks Across America.”
Whether the new, pointed design is funded by Mexico or by individual Americans, the team responsible for the fence’s development are confident in their accomplishment.
“Nobody’s getting over this thing,” one scientist boasted. “I mean, not unless they bring corks.”
This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.