It’s time for another Schaden-Friday update on Mike Lindell, the ‘70s porn mustache who grew into a real boy through hard work, determination, and a generous dollop of unadulterated delusion.

Today, on Steve Bannon’s online talk show The Wide World of Dorks, Bannon asked Lindell, who appears to actually believe the kooky things he says, why Lindell can’t get on Fox News anymore. And even though Bannon looks like a Cabbage Patch Doll stitched together from the fingertips of three-pack-a-day Pall Mall smokers, he’s nevertheless smart and savvy enough to know the answer to this question. 

You see, Fox has already been sued by Dominion Voting Systems and Smartmatic for $1.6 billion and $2.7 billion, respectively, for allegedly making defamatory claims about voting fraud during the 2020 election, and one of the foremost purveyors of said claims, Michael J. Lindell, can’t keep his yappy mouth shut. Like, ever.

And yet Bannon decided to poke this big dumb bear one more time.

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BANNON: “Why is Mike Lindell not on Fox, and why do they seem to say, ‘Hey, when Dominion says something we’re just going to shut up about it and talk about Biden’s tax bill’?”

LINDELL: “Well, you know, I’m going to have those answers, too, ‘cause I’ve hired private investigators, and I’ve spent a lot of money on them, to investigate everything. Why are … the bots and trolls, who’s behind them? Why is Facebook involved, Wikipedia involved? And then the big question, why isn’t Fox having people on? Why isn’t Fox on there talking about, you know, Dominion and Smartmatic and the election fraud?”

Oh, Mike, Mike, Mike.

This is a bit like watching a chimp in a room where a banana hangs from the ceiling and several sturdy boxes are scattered on the floor. Will he figure it out? Will he get that tasty banana? Wait … is he? Oh, my God, he’s eating the boxes! No, Mike. Just no.

You know, I’m not a private investigator, but I wouldn’t mind getting this gig. I’d pretty much dick around for a few weeks, draw a cheesy mustache on the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, hand the pic to Lindell, and tell him, “Your problem is this dopey choad.”

Chances are he’d cut me a nice big check and thank me for my service. Or he’d kick me out of his beautifully appointed Tudor-style crackhouse. 

Either way, I’d have done my bit for election integrity, so it’s all good.

”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.”  Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via Twitter. Need a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear F*cking Lunatic, Dear Pr*sident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!

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