Maybe Trump didn’t “get the call” on Roseanne. But I bet the GOP is.

mrotaku / Flickr DONALD TRUMP copy...
mrotaku / Flickr

Pop Quiz! What two things do the following people have in common: Roseanne Barr, Rick Saccone, Ed Gillespie, Marine LePen, Don Blankenship, and Roy Moore? One, they all tried to “be Trump,” or even “Trumpier than Trump.” And two, they all failed miserably.

Think of Trump as a virus. So far, there is no known cure for the Trump virus, but it only holds true for the pure strain of the virus, in the original host. When the Trump strain infects another host, it has the nasty side effect of killing the new host body.The Trump virus is fatal to political life in all other hosts, only the pure virus can survive.

This is bad news for the GOP, for a couple of reasons. For one thing, the Trump virus appears to be a rapid spreading virus, with low resistance in new host bodies. Candidates are popping up all over the place, all showing visible signs of infection, and displaying one of the common signs of the infection, an almost giddy euphoria at being sick. But the infection works quickly, and the victims of Trumpbola also share a similar trait, the all seem to die suddenly on a Tuesday. Weird, huh? This nearly turned into a pandemic, with cases popping up all over Europe, with similar fatal results.

The second risk to the GOP is culpability. The Trump virus is not like Ebola, it did not simmer under the surface until large numbers of people were infected before exposing itself for what it was. The original case  showed all of the signs of infection, racism, sexism, xenophobia, and aberrant social behavior early on. GOP scientists had the opportunity to immediately quarantine it, and neutralize the threat. Instead, a clumsy lab tech by the name of Priebus dropped the petri dish, letting the virus out into the atmosphere. And like Frankenstein, once the monster is out roaming the countryside, the peasants are likely to pay a visit to the castle, pitchforks and torches firmly in hand.

Fortunately, the virus appears to be easy to contain. No sophisticated medical treatment or procedure is required to stem the spread of the infection. Everyday citizens can quarantine the virus themselves, simply by depriving the mutant host of the power, attention, and authority it requires to survive, and then wait for the eventual Tuesday to roll around and put the poor creature out of it’s misery.

Fortunately, the fact that the mutant strains can be contained is cause to hope that there may be a cure on the horizon for the original virus. The pure virus appears to be contained, and there is hope that continued aggressive, investigative techniques may eventually break down the resistance of the virus, and expose the core to radical treatment, neutralizing the virus harmless eventually.

So, take hope. While Trump himself is a terrifying mutation of natural law and humanity, the fact that pinheads like LePen, Saccone, Gillespie and Moore have failed to follow in the footsteps of their idol is starting to make it clear that while homo sapiens may be stupid, we are still capable of learning from our mistakes.


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Bartley Deason
Bartley Deason
Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker 17 May 15 Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports. The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them. “These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information,” Davis Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed… Read more »