Many people are saying Trump choked to death on a hot dog yesterday

Ever since God — or someone; who knows? — called Mike Pence home when he was supposed to be flying to New Hampshire to give a talk on opioids yesterday, speculation has run rampant about what really happened.

And, yes, I know that lede has a double meaning — making it sound like Pence was scheduled to give a talk “about opioids” and also give a talk “while on opioids.” But both can be true, right? Honestly, though, why would Pence give an opioid talk. It’s way too ironic, even for this administration. The dude is opioids, FFS.

But that’s not the point of this story.

Donald Trump is dead … I heard.

I’m hearing.

People are saying.

Many, many people.

So here’s what happened: Tomorrow’s big reveal was supposed to be that the federal government was commandeering the annual July 4 Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest and moving it to the National Mall as a fitting warmup for Trump’s Super Blowout Independence Day celebration. Because this is America, goddamnit.

And Trump was going to be the headliner. But while practicing yesterday, he choked to death on a footlong.

That’s what I’m hearing, anyway.

Something is going on … I don’t know what.

I mean, the guy hadn’t been seen for a while and was tweeting like a near-facsimile of a normal person last night, so what are we supposed to think? It’s not like we ever get straight answers out of these people.

Now, lots of people are speculating that the administration is going to try to pull off a Weekend at Bernie’s scenario. Sure, I guess … but the past two and a half years have been a Weekend at Bernie’s scenario — in that we’ve all been pretending we have a real live human being in the White House instead of a giant, supernaturally animated smegma golem.

But I don’t think they’ll go the Bernie route. They’ll have an imposter, and he’ll be at tomorrow’s Salute to Trump festivities, even as the pr*sident’s purpling corpse lies mouldering in an industrial formaldehyde barrel somewhere inside the deep, labyrinthine network of catacombs underneath Area 51.

All they really have to do is slap Oscar Mayer pimiento loaf slices on Gary Busey’s face and stuff cheeseburgers in the pockets of his suit coat until he’s indistinguishable from Trump. Easy-peasy. In fact, they could coast along like that for another year and a half without ever telling anyone Trump is dead.

Which he is.

I heard.

So enjoy your Fourth of July knowing that Trump is dead and Pimiento Loaf Gary Busey is now president. It’s a huge step up, believe me.

And sorry, Vice President Pence. False alarm. Your services are no longer needed. You can go back to your regularly scheduled opioid party.

Cheers

 

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10 Comments on "Many people are saying Trump choked to death on a hot dog yesterday"

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Anthony DeWitt
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Anthony DeWitt

ding dong the wicked witch is dead

Phyllis Luttrell
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Phyllis Luttrell

We couldn’t be that lucky. Karma!!!!!

Impeach trump
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Impeach trump

Damn I wish it was true-would be so uplifting and remove our stress about the future- but truly there exists a strong chance trump could be struck by lightning tonight! Please pray- at least rained out which is a better use of our wasted taxes on another vanity event

Thomas P
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Thomas P

That would be cool I’d sit and watch and try to prevent anyone from helping it

Rowdy Girl
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Rowdy Girl

It would be karma of course, if the hotdog got him, but I’ve been thinking they have him locked up while they make him practice a speech that actually celebrates our country instead of himself. When he stays on message, he sounds like a brain dead moron, dragging himself through the motions and the words. They are making him practice and practice until he sounds like a real person, but we all know they can never succeed. Pence was their last resort, so they yanked him back to crack the whip. One can dream.

Robert Burnett
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Robert Burnett

I’ll personally provide the Hot Dogs’ free of charge. I won’t even claim it on my taxes.

Michael owens
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Michael owens

Bummer!!!, for half a nano second, i thought yes yes !, the bastards dead!!!!

Aspidistra
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Aspidistra

I wish he’d choke to death on his own lying tongue!

Mickey DiNero
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Mickey DiNero

I’m so glad I missed seeing this article on the day it was published, because I was saved from getting my hopes up & a terrible let-down. If only it could’ve been true.

Mickey DiNero
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Mickey DiNero

How did we find out it wasn’t Busey? Gary knows airports didn’t exist in the 1700s. Bu-u-ut then again, he could’ve really gotten into his role of history-challenged fake POTUS.