New information from an FOIA request to the US Marshals Service has revealed that early in the tRump administration there were several riders illegally attached to funding bills after those bills had already been passed. Those riders were never actually shown to Democratic members of the Congress and for the most part, still remain secret. The only reason we know about any of this is because of an anomaly in the Marshals’ budget uncovered by the FOIA request. All monies allocated to a new WPP budget item are to be forwarded to the RNC. Thanks to the folks at Serious Oversight of Repugnant Enablers, Larcenous Oligarchs, Sadistic Emirs and Republican Senators we’ve been able to do some forensic accounting and get a handle on the republican’s secret Witless Protection Program. Also, one of the protectees posted a copy of the statute to his Facebook page.
The Witless Protection Program provides support for any republican politician who is unable to pass an IQ test or a shiny object. The program requires all fellow republicans to pretend there is nothing wrong and to debase themselves by embracing whatever gibberish the witless protectee is spouting.
Witless republicans have been declared a protected class and are entitled to a double helping of all the benefits of existing IOKIYAR legislation.
Since most Republican politicians are several fries short of a happy meal and would technically be eligible for inclusion in the program, anyone who can count past 10 without removing their shoes is deemed to be ineligible for protectee status. Also excluded are anyone who wears glasses to make themselves appear smarter; anyone with a tiny bit of residual spine; or anyone High Lord Putin says is ineligible.
In addition, all witless republicans are exempted from responsibility for fallout resulting from saying really stupid stuff, potty training mishaps and the stigma of chewing with their mouths open.
The most witless republicans are to be elevated to positions of power and influence so the rank and file can be more efficiently utilized to protect them.
The several billion dollars allocated to the program is to be disbursed as campaign contributions and consulting fees to republican politicians based on the level of displayed idiocy needed to contort themselves into the pretzel shapes necessary to hold simultaneously contradictory views just like their protectees.