Boaz  Guttman / Flickr Donald Trump amp Kim Jong Un...
Boaz Guttman / Flickr

Since the day the Perpetual Motion Pie Hole that is Donald Trump announced his candidacy, he has taken the truth for a spin in his personal taffy pulling machine. His constant, often gratuitous lying has made him unbelievable on even something as simple as whether the sun is shining or not. Since the Russia investigation started picking up steam, everybody has been wailing and gnashing their teeth about an impending “constitutional crisis.” But, since Robert Mueller seems to be just passing the 1/4 pole in a marathon race with a three toed sloth, we’re facing a different kind of crisis instead.

A crisis in confidence. Pretty much everybody with an IQ high enough to disqualify them from sitting on the couch on Fox and Friends already knows what a debacle the Singapore Summit was for the United States. At least it gave Glorious Bleater a nice case of the warm-and-fuzzies, and as a result he’s pulled invading Saskatchewan from the table, so there’s that. But, in his private meeting with Kim Jong-un, Trump may have made the crisis he was ham handedly trying to avert even worse.

Trump forgot the most basic tenet of salesmanship. Never shit a bullshitter. With Kim Jong-un, Trump was facing quite possibly the only man on the planet with an even more tenuous grasp of fact than Trump himself. And Kim can do it even more freely, because he has no free press to call him out on it. But when they met for their one-on-one, most analysts were alarmed that there were no “note takers” allowed in the room, only Trump. Kim, and one translator each. Personally, I believe it was Trump who pushed for no verification of the private conversation. What does Kim care if there was a note taker on each side. Kim is only concerned with North Korean media, and any scribe he brought in would say what they were told to say. Trump on the other hand is paranoid about leaks, and the last thing he wanted was independent verification of the stupid shit he might say in private. And herein lies the problem.

It was reported yesterday that North Korean media was reporting that Kim Jong-un stated that along with terminating the military training exercises with South Korea, Trump had vowed to Kim that he was going to begin lifting economic sanctions against the North. As jaw dropping as that sounds, sadly it also has the ring of truth, it sounds totally like something Trump would offer like a piece of hard candy in building his “special relationship” with Kim. But even it it’s not true, there is no official, or even unofficial transcript of what was said. It’s Trump’s word against Kim’s.

No matter which way this shakes out, Trump is boned. Sideways. Even before the two chubby behemoths shook hands, members of both parties were worried sick about a cranial black hole like Trump sitting down with a shrewd, well prepared despot like Kim. For exactly this reason, Trump has the “real world” common sense of dandelion fluff. And now both parties have a problem on their hands.

If it’s true, then Trump is going to have a congressional mutiny on his hands. Trump may be in that rosy halcyon haze of infatuation with Kim, but his congressional “parents” can see what a troublemaker Kim is. And they’re going to move to ground their ditzy child. Congress has already moved to pass a law requiring congressional approval for Trump to lift sanctions on Russia, by a margin large enough to survive a Presidential veto. They’ll do it again, and pronto. They are unlikely to be wooed by some vague promise that North Korea will grudgingly dismantle their nuclear arsenal at some point down the road prior to the end of days. And when they pass it, Trump will be just as enraged at the loss of face as he was when congress defied him on Russia. And all just in time for the midterms.

But what if it’s not true, what if Kim is lying to put pressure on Trump to lift sanctions? How will we know? Because Trump will tell us that Kim is lying. Oh boy, talk about the pot and the kettle. Trump has lied about shit that he was actually caught saying on tape fer Crissakes! Trump lies purely for the sadistic joy of the reaction that his lies cause in the media, why wouldn’t he lie about this? Besides, as history has already shown, it sounds like exactly the kind of lame shit he’d say if he thought it could get him prime beach real estate on the cheap.

I’m going to say this as simply as I can. Kim Jong-un got everything he wanted out of this summit, simply because His Lowness is an ignorant shit for brains. He not only let Kim play him, he walked backwards in front of him, spreading rose petals like Kim was the bride at a royal wedding! Trump gave Kim international legitimacy. Since Trump accepted Kim’s “Heel, puppy!” invitation, Kim has met twice with the President of China, twice with the South Korean President, and with Trump. Japans Prime Minister is on deck, and Vlad the Imp wants a ride on the DPRK sit-n-spin. The genie is out of the bottle.

And whether congress slams the door on lifting sanctions on North Korea, or Trump himself asserts that Kim was mistaken (read lying his ass off) about lifting sanctions, Trump has just allowed Kim the out of bellowing that Trump had “violated the spirit of their agreement,” find a new mountain to start blasting the middle out of, and resume tossing ICBM’s into the air. And all with the satisfaction and cloak of legitimacy of being a global “power player” that Trump just draped over his shoulders.

Before he went into the summit, Trump famously said that he would “know in one minute” whether Kim was serious or not, using his “touch” and “feel,” because “that’s how he does it.” Well, Trump just learned that Kim Jong-un is not a porn star, and all of his touchy-feely shit is going to cost this country, and likely the world, a helluva lot more than $130,000 to get out of. Nice work numbnuts.

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