It’s a soulless, mindless quasi-life form that drains the vitality of the living, leaving nothing but tribulation and death in its wake, and it really wants to be president.

Of course, Ron DeSantis’ frothy-mouthed political ambitions may help explain why Florida is essentially a leper colony with a Pirates of the Caribbean ride right now. DeSantis has made a name for himself by striving to be the most MAGA-ty governor in the nation, and he can’t back down now—not after fooling Politico into thinking he “won” the pandemic. (Narrator: He didn’t.)

DeSantis—who never met a pro-COVID policy he didn’t like—is now presiding over one of the worst coronavirus outbreaks in the land. In the name of “freedom,” DeSantis has banned vaccine passports; fought with cruise lines that want to keep their customers safe from, well, death; and most recently has threatened to withhold funds from Florida schools that institute mask mandates. If this were Star Trek, I’d assume COVID had hijacked and reprogrammed his brain, but alas, this is just garden-variety Earthling dumbfuckery—no further explanation needed.

COVID-19 is raging throughout the American South right now, including Florida, and that’s largely because we haven’t all been pulling in the same direction in order to save as many people (and fetuses, mind you) as possible. Instead, we’ve drifted into separate pro-human and pro-COVID camps, and needless to say, DeSantis is the king of COVID Country.

Well, CNN’s Jim Acosta has noticed, and he’s come up with a great idea: Instead of using dreary Greek letters, why not name new COVID-19 variants after the Republican governors who’ve been their biggest boosters?



For the nontweeters:

ACOSTA: “The other day, and we’ve been talking about this this afternoon, an 11-month-old girl in Texas, another hard-hit state, had to be flown 150 miles away for treatment because hospital beds are full in her town. People should not have to die so some politicians can own the libs. They’re not owning anybody, but they may end up owning the pandemic, because they’re prolonging it. Perhaps it’s time to start naming these new variants that may be coming out after them. Instead of the delta variant, why not call it the ‘DeSantis variant’? We could sell beer koozies that say ‘Don’t Florida My Fauci’ and use the money to help pay for all of the funerals that will be coming in the days to come.”

I love it. And if the WHO isn’t onboard, I don’t see why the rest of us can’t adopt this system. “Delta” is already kind of close to “DeSantis,” after all.

“Oh, shit. I think I may have been exposed to DeSantis.” 

“The COVID variant or the governor? Either way, you’ll need to take a long, hot Silkwood shower tout de suite.”

I know, I know. It’s not all that likely that the name will stick, but then that’s probably what Rick Santorum thought, too. And we all saw how that worked out.

Internet, go do that voodoo that you do so well. We can make DeSantis’ name notorious—or more infamous than it is now, anyway.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

Liked it? Take a second to support Community on Patreon!

This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here