If this is the land of Oz, fuggedaboudit! I don’t see any yellow brick road, just a bunch of damn flying monkeys. But sometimes, flying monkeys are just what you need, and the more of them the merrier!
Over these long, lonely months of covering the WWE cage match that is the Trump administration, I’ve noticed one particular complaint that comes up in my comments over and over again. No, not about me, those I handle with a crying jag and a pint of Funky Monkey. This complaint is about the mainstream media.
Over and over again, I hear about how every time something really BIG happens, Trump says or does something brain dead, and the media immediately goes running off chasing the latest bright shiny object, like a dog after a fire truck, and ignoring the real, critical news. Of course it’s true, and Trump full well knows it’s true. Why do you think he keeps doing such stupid shit? Well, I mean the really well timed stupid shit, not just the usual daily stupid shit he does.
But guess what. That gate swings both ways. You know who else dearly loves every bright, shiny object that goes soaring over his empty, orange cotton candy topped head? That’s right, The Tiny Thumbs Diktator. How many times have you seen Trump make some giant, earth shattering policy announcement, only to have him turn around two hours later, and have a Twitter tantrum about something that was said about him on CNN or MSNBC, stomping all over his own message?. Fer Crissakes, the dude has the attention span of a 3 year old during the commercial breaks on a Teletubbies episode, by which of course I mean Fox and Friends.
I know it’s hard, but forget about Sean Hannity, Michael Cohen, Stormy Daniels, and that judicial Goddess Judge Kimba Wood for just a moment. Hop into your trusty wayback machine, and set the date for last Wednesday.
What was all that both we, and the media were talking about last Wednesday and Thursday? We were on a 24/7 death watch of course. Robert Mueller, or Rod Rosenstein, or possibly both were waiting to take a political ride on the journey gurney. Trump’s fury over the FBI raid on Michael Cohen’s home and office were unquenchable. All we were waiting for was him to pull his Twitter finger.
But then came Friday, a disastrous court appearance by Cohen’s lawyer in front of Judge Wood to block the FBI from taking peekies at all the stuff they glommed from Mikey “the Mope,” at the same time that the aforementioned Mikey was caught sitting around with a bunch of Russians and a dude from Deutsche Bank, and what happened? Trump was off and running, screaming his infantile lungs out in 140 characters or less. And who was forgotten? Mueller and Rosenstein.
And then, over the weekend, the media cycle was obsessed with snippets from leaked copies of Jim Comey’s little kiss-and-smell tome, and Trump’s totally predictable Twitfit added another trillion to the federal deficit in data overcharges. At this point His Lowness couldn’t pick Mueller and Rosenstein out of a two man police lineup. And guess what happened on Friday, and yesterday? Mueller and Rosenstein showed up for work, and they added a few more links to the chain that is going to tie Trump to the smokestack of the Titanic.
And the distractions are just going to keep on coming. For starters, Twiddledumber is spending a week hosting Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe at Mar-A-Lago. I can’t read Japanese newspapers, so I had no idea that Abe was in such deep kobe shit back home. And he must be, because nobody willingly spends a week tethered to Trump without an ironclad, seven figure pre-nup agreement. Fortunately, I think Prime Minister Abe is going to spared from the brunt of a full frontal Trump assault.
Because, effective immediately, James Comey is going to be spending to be spending so much time on the airwaves he may as well start his own cable network, like Ted Turner did. He could call it STN, or the Shit on Trump Network. Even though there is very little “new” hard information in Comey’s payback book on Trump, every host out there is going to try like hell to come up with at least one question with a new “angle” on it that nobody has asked so far. And I guarantee you that with every new question, Comey will slip in just one more razor nick to drive the Cheeto Prophet insane.
And who knows what future news shit balls Michael Cohen is going to throw, like some deranged howler monkey? While Cohen may be willing to “take a bullet for Trump,” somehow or other, I don’t think that quite applies to Hannity, not if the cheap bastard only gave him a lousy $10 for attorney privileged information. Cohen is under almost as much stress as Trump right now, and Cohen doesn’t have the Secret Service to protect him from the Russians. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he gets into a juvenile pissing contest with Hannity in the media in frustration, and of course, the Manatee will throw himself a nationally televised pity party every night in response.This should be some fun, regardless.
Payback is a bitch, and she’s in heat. Please Dios, let Cohen, and Hannity, and Comey, and Stormy Daniels keep flittering about like butterflies in a meadow, and let the media give them blanket coverage. The longer Little Lord Tauntleroy keeps chasing them around with his net, the better it is for us. Hell, if we play our cards right, the next time that Trump thinks about Mueller and Rosenstein will be when the report is released, and the indictments are unsealed.