Pillow Man Mike Lindell—the answer to the eternal question “What would happen if Ned Flanders’ mustache grew a rudimentary brain stem?”—is in the news again. The next installment in Lindell’s multistate goalpost-moving tour, the Aug. 10-12 Cyber Symposium, will be so compelling, he claims, that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris just may resign in shame on Aug. 13. Because, you know, the evidence will be just that incontrovertible.

And he’s being serious. How do we know that? Because that’s a direct quote. “I’m serious,” said the pillow magnate with the outsized dreams of a world where White Jesus has veto power over all our rotten elections. On Monday, Lindell went on one of the few media outlets still willing to indulge the arbitrary whims of his brain parasites: Steve Bannon’s War Room: Pandemic. 

Once there, he delivered some of his most ridiculous predictions yet.

Let’s pick this video up at 1:40:

(Partial) Transcript!

LINDELL: “When get through this and then the Supreme Court pulls down this election like I’ve been telling everybody, when they do this, it’s going to be a great uniting. And that gives me hope right there. These are Democrats on the ground that voted for Biden and they realize now the mistake that, you know, they feel responsible, but they’re seeing in power, and once we show them that it was China, the CCP, that used the Democrat Party—and granted, there was, don’t get me wrong, there was people involved in this and we’ll find out—once we have the symposium, Steve, I told these people, I said, I said, you know what, I said, well how are the pathways of Donald Trump coming back? And I said, well, the first one would be, once we have the symposium, by the night of the 12th or the morning of the 13th, and everyone has seen it, including the administration that’s in there now that didn’t win, ah, maybe Biden and Harris would say, ‘Hey, we’re here to protect the country’ and resign. You know. I’m serious! If you have any moral character about you—we’re all in this together, and this was an attack and you’re going to see that at the symposium. It’s all gonna be, you know, everything will be revealed there, and so it gives me great hope.”

Personally, I prefer my word salad without sour grapes, but maybe that’s just me.

Now, there’s essentially no chance that Biden and Harris will resign after Lindell reveals his latest pile of “evidence.” I say “essentially” no chance because epistemological due diligence compels me to acknowledge that just about anything can happen as long as it’s not logically impossible. Of course, I’d argue that the chance of this election being overturned is not 100%, as Lindell continually asserts, but closer to one divided by infinity. In other words, he’d pretty much need an infinite improbability drive to make this happen. Then again, even if he did have one, it’s unlikely he’d be able to use it … unless it ran on bratwurst fumes and rank obtuseness.

Of course, as many constitutional scholars (i.e., regular citizens who can read and interpret words) noted on Twitter, Biden and Harris’ resigning would not miraculously return Donald Trump to power because, well, laws and stuff.

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If Biden and Harris were to resign, Nancy Pelosi would become the first woman president. Or so you think! You see, Pillow Man is always at least one step ahead of you!

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Don’t fret. There’s a better chance of Donald Trump conceding the election he lost than Biden renouncing the election he won. In other words, the possibility is essentially zero. The concerning part is that, nearly eight months after the fact, people still believe this nonsense—the very same nonsense that led to the deadly Jan. 6 insurrection.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Just $12.96 for the pack of 4! Or if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.

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