I am Princess hear me scream, at every worker I demean, as I scowl at every peasant in the la-A-and I am Princess Ivanka Trump
*Warning! This article is rated MF-17 by the Moron Factor Child Protection Board. This article contains radioactive levels of sarcasm aimed at various arrogant and morally bankrupt public figures. Those with a low tolerance for sarcasm should avoid viewing this article, especially if young children are present, since sudden, unexplained fits of giggling may may lower their children’s opinion of them*
Yesterday, my rather brilliant, and intrepid fellow Politizoom reporter Jason Miciak, put out an article that filled me with fear for the upcoming 2020 election. In the article, Jason advised that the formidable Jarvanka, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump, are lending their considerable talents to Donald Trump’s 2020 ereelection campaign. This could completely reshape the Democrats chances of winning the White House in 2020. A simple look at the resumes of these strategic giants should be cause for concern among Democrats everywhere.
Let’s start with Ivanka Trump. Her pedigree is impeccable. As the daughter of Donald Trump, she has unlimited access to large amounts of highly questionable and highly leveraged wealth with which to make her every dream come true. She is a fierce advocate for women and children’s rights, which she has fought for tirelessly in her international businesses, keeping the women and children in her factories locked up 24/7 where their bosses can keep an eye on them. And her personal sensitivity is legendary, having once mistaken the headmistress at an exclusive pre-k school she was considering enrolling her children in for “the help,” since the poor woman wasn’t clad in Ivanka’s shoddy line of togs.
In Jared Kushner, Ivanka has found her only business and emotional equal. Jared’s personal pedigree is also impressive. He is the son of a man who actually set his own brother-in-law up with a hooker, filmed the encounter, and narced out said brother-in-law to his own sister, all over a lousy business dispute. Jared has the vaunted Trump “Midas Touch,” having spent an exorbitant amount of money on a Manhattan building that wasn’t actually worth the franchise fee to open a McDonald’s in Ames, Iowa. And his international business acumen is burnished by the fact that he has made what, like 17 trips to the Middle East now, and he still thinks that a falafal is something that you use to wash yourself with in the shower?
As a political team, these two are the ultimate dynamo, They make guys like Stuart Stevens, Steve Schmidt, and David Plouffe look like Moe, Larry, and Curly. Ivanka has political experience going back to her childhood, when she watched an endless line of politicians slink onto her fathers office to kiss his portly orange ass for a campaign contribution. And Jared has first hand experience in knowing how sneaky and unethical politicians can be, from watching Chris Christie send his father off on an all expenses paid vacation to Club Fed.
Their political resume is impressive. Jared and Ivanka are so good that they literally could get a Cabbage Patch doll elected President. After all, Donald Trump is sitting in the Oval Office. The prosecution rests. They advocated with all of their might to have the somewhat gauche Corey Lewandowski replaced with the more stable genius of Paul Manafort. They stood on their hind legs to get that insensitive cad John Kelly ousted as chief of staff, for the cardinal sin of daring to deny Princess unlimited access to Daddums. And they cemented their reputations as political savants by earnestly assuring Daddums that firing James Comey would make all of his Trump-Russia worries blow away in the wind.
And now they’re ready once again to come riding in to save the day. Now, according to Jason, they’re after the whiny, sniveling spineless sycophantic, holy roller ass of Vice President Mike Pence. because apparently, the last thing that the rapidly sinking Trump campaign needs is anyone associated with the campaign with even an alleged shred of normalcy and human or moral decency. If he hangs around much longer, who knows what could happen next? What, grace before you pop the lid on the family size bucket at Sunday dinner?!?
After spending my entire life watching this political shit, I can only tip my hat to them in admiration. After all, this is the kind of blind faith, damn-the-torpedoes,-full-speed-ahead, childish enthusiasm that you seldom see in a professionally run political campaign. This is the kind of high stakes roll of the dice that shows that the participants are fully aware that Daddy’s current antics are seriously fucking up the family business!
And because these two mental crustaceans are “big picture” thinkers, it leaves a couple of niggly little details to sort themselves out. For starters, who do you find to replace Pence? Fer Crissakes, Trump’s own chief of staff, that weasel on two legs, Mick Mulvaney, will only take the job with the word “acting” plastered to the front of it, so that he can yell “Geronimo!” and bail if Trump pulls any seriously insane shit. Half of his department heads are “acting: heads, since nobody that the Senate will look at twice will be associated with Trump, and senior GOP House incumbents are stampeding for the exits rather than have their name appear below Trump’s on a ballot. They appear to know the “Plumber’s Credo,” shit flows downhill. Who can they find to replace Pence, especially since Charlie Manson kicked off last year?
The second petty detail is this. All of the “Fuck it, let’s give it a shot” Trump voters from 2016 have already scurried off in shame. Trump needs every core supporter he can pry out from whatever rock they reside under. And by far and away, Trump’s largest core of non goose stepping, bed sheet wearing supporters are the evangelicals. And Mike Pence is the key that unlocks the door to the evangelical vote. By himself, Donald Trump is Jerry Falwell’s poster child for his sermon on perdition every Sunday. Mike Pence is the Dean Martin that keeps Trump’s over-the-top Jerry Lewis shit from looking stupid instead of funny and endearing. Who does Jarvanka find to replace replace Pence that makes evangelicals pull a lever for Trump instead of throw him head first into the fiery it?
So, as much as I stand in awe at the political magnificence of Jarvanka in doing everything in their power to help ensure that Daddum’s upcoming court date in New York won’t be delayed by his day job, I am even more in awe of Jason, for sending me this little tidbit from heaven. If he keeps feeding me table scraps like this, I may have to make the ultimate sacrifice, and give him a taste of the gate.
To know the future, look to the past. before the insanity of the 2020 election, relive the insanity of the 2016 GOP primary campaign, and the general election, to see how we got to where we are. Copies of President Evil, and the sequel, President Evil II, A Clodwork Orange are available as e-books on Amazon, at the links above. Catch up before the upcoming release of the third book in the trilogy, President Evil III: All The Presidents Fen