Gage Skidmore / Flickr trump heh...
Gage Skidmore / Flickr

How many of you have kids? For those who answer “yes”, I’m sure that this will sound familiar. “Who, me? Awww, I dint do nuffin’.” And for those parents who have heard it, you all know it carries the distinct odor of bullshit.

But that’s all we seem to be hearing from the Trump camp these days. I have an old phrase I’m particularly fond of, “Once is an accident.. Twice is a habit. And three times is a fetish.” Which means that pretty much anybody involved with either the Trump campaign, the Trump White House, or both are all walking around in Latex and carrying inappropriate toys with them. But the problem with this ongoing Trump-Russia scandal is that keeps coming at you so fast that you forget something you heard last week because there’s so much new stuff to remember this week. Everybody involved with Trump claims that they’re innocent, that they didn’t “do nuffin”, right? Well, let’s just take a brief trip down memory lane, shall we?

GEORGE PAPADOPOULOS

Ah yes, how can we forget Mr. Coffee Boy? In his time in the Trump campaign, this guy apparently made as much of an impression as the Maytag repair man. Trump doesn’t remember him. Corey Lewandowski doesn’t remember him. Jeff Sessions doesn’t remember him. Now Lewandowski remembers him, and something or other about Russia, but Corey was so busy. Sessions remembers him, but he doesn’t remember exactly what he said about Russia, but he does manage to remember that he was dead set against whatever it was. Trump still doesn’t remember him, and he can’t recall such an unimportant meeting, but it’s hard to deny being in a picture three seats down from the guy. Papadopoulos wasn’t nothing but a coffee boy, yet there he is, sitting on a panel discussion at the convention. And Papadopoulos is the only one who isn’t currently claiming he “dint do nuffin.” Mostly because he pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI. Be interesting to find out about what exactly.

PAUL MANAFORT

Kind of hard to remember a dude when he was with the campaign “for only a short time.” Just long enough to whip delegate votes, help set the RNC platform, and was in charge of the convention. I’d think it was kinda hard to forget a guy who bragged about living in your Trump Tower, paid his bills with a line of credit from a bank in Cyprus, owed $18M to a Ukrainian oligarch connected to Putin and yet worked for you for free! You barely met the guy, yet he was well enough placed to make an offer to supply personal updates on the campaign’s progress to the aforementioned Ukrainian oligarch. Oh, and he’s also under scrutiniy for money laundering by making large sum property purchases with cash, and then taking out loans on the property. He’s not a stranger, he could have been your mentor! He’s accused of lobbying for the Ukrainian government without telling Uncle Sam, and oh yeah, his list of sleazy foreign clients was common knowledge when you vetted him and decided he was one of the “best and brightest.”

MICHAEL FLYNN

Another Georgia peach, one of the generals you love so dearly. Lessee what we got. So crappy at his job that Obama warned you not to even give him a job emptying the trash cans. Accused of working in the US on behalf of the Turkish government, without disclosing such while he was working for your campaign as a surrogate and adviser. Made a trip to Moscow to deliver a speech paid for by the government run state tv channel, sitting at the same table with Putin, without requesting permission from the army as required of a flag officer, even a retired one. Multiple contacts with the Russian ambassador, including one in which you attempted to subvert the sitting President by offering to revisit sanctions once Trump took office.Lying about your foreign contacts on your SF86 security clearance form. And worst of all, -GASP! lying to the Vie President, Opie Taylor about your Russian contacts. Oh yeah, and he’s being investigated about whether or not he tried to sell his position by giving the Denver boot to a permanent US resident Turkish cleric that Erdogan was rabid to get his mitts on. But ont he other hand, he did lead the cheers of “Lock her up!” at the convention, so it was worth telling Jim Comey to leave him alone.

JARED KUSHNER

It’s a good thing that this third rate carnival clown is married to your daughter, it gives you a reason to keep him around, “Hey, he loves Ivanka!” Other than that, not so much. His family offered resident visas, which Kushner would push for approval to Chinese investors who threw money at Kushner’s sinking company. He lied on his SF86 form for leaving off more than 100 foreign contacts, so forgetful that he had to update the original form twice. He lied about meeting with a Russian banker connected to Putin who runs a bank under US sanctions. He forgot the trivial time that he tried to get permission to use secure transmission facilities at the Russian embassy to avoid being picked up by US intelligence services talking to Russia. He forgot that waste of time meeting with a Russian lawyer allegedly carrying a folder full of dirt on Hillary to talk about Russian adoption. He completely forgot about that e-mail from Donnie Jr talking about his contacts with Wikileaks that he forwarded to Hope Hicks. This one is completely understandable, since his inbox is so full of male enhancement products, which he also forwards to Hope Hicks. I’m pretty sure that Jared only wears loafers, since he long ago forgot how to tie his shoes.

DONALD TRUMP JR.

If you’ve ever seen a Trump Sr deposition video, you already know that selective memory loss is hereditary, at least in that family. Daddums can’t remember a damn thing when asked an uncomfortable question. At least Donnie redux didn’t lie on his SF86, but only because he never requested a security clearance. So, what’s to forget? How about forgetting that pesky e-mail chain from Rob Goldstone, trying to set up a meeting with a room full of Russians bearing gifts of shit to dump over Hillary’s head. How about forgetting forwarding it to Jared and Paul Manafort, requesting their attendance? How about forgetting the damn eeting itself until it was reported. How about forgetting that Daddums actually wrote his initial response to the story while he was jetting back from Europe. How about forgetting about his multiple Twitter direct chats with Wikileaks. At this point, I’m thinking that Trump Jr’s wife must wear a name tag so that he can remember to call her when he gets home.

And just think folks, I haven’t even covered the more minor players like Roger Stone, Carter Page, and Cambridge Analytica. While none of it has yet been proven in court, when it comes to The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight, it appears that we have enough Russia connection bricks to build the Great Wall of China. Once is an accident, twice is a habit, and three times is a fetish. When it comes to Russia, these ass gaskets seem to have a full blown obsession. They better be careful they don’t end up with a pot full of boiling water and a dead rabbit on their stove. And if Ashley Parker’s new report in the Washington Post is correct, there are even more meetings that we haven’t even heard of yet, although we soon might. As Bachman-Turner-Overdrive used to sing, “B-b-b-baby, you just ain’t seen-n-n-n-nuttn-yet. Don’t touch that dial.

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