US Embassy / Flickr Porirua Adventure Park launch...
US Embassy / Flickr

Noted truck owner and former actual sitting senator for some reason Scott Brown is now the United States ambassador to New Zealand and Samoa. The reasons for this are varied, but essentially boil down to “because Scott Brown brown-nosed better than anyone else” and “because Donald Trump always picks the worst possible people for every required job.”

It’s been going swimmingly, assuming you call making a scene at a party by telling the women present they could make bank waiting tables in America “going swimmingly.”

U.S. Ambassador Scott Brown told a New Zealand website Wednesday that he accepted advice that he should be more culturally aware after a U.S. inquiry into his conduct at a Peace Corps event in Samoa.

The Stuff website said Brown acknowledged that complaints were made about his comments to a female food server and to arriving guests at the July event in the Pacific country. Stuff reported Brown told the server she could make hundreds of dollars as a waitress in the U.S. and told some guests they looked beautiful.

Apparently Brown ran afoul of the notable cultural differences between the United States and the strange mannerisms of New Zealand. It is a mysterious and foreign culture where ogling the womenfolk and giving them possibly-alcohol-inspired career advice is not as widely encouraged as it might be among the usual bootlickers, toadies, and supplicants of Trump Tower.

In any event, Scott Brown is very sorry and “welcomed” advice to not effing do that, but wants you to know that the complaints were probably disingenuous anyway because it was probably just a plot to try to make his boss Donald Garbage Fire Russian Mob Tied Malignant Narcissist Obvious Dementia Trump look bad.

He said there had been some cultural misunderstandings, but also that many people at the event didn’t like Trump and he suspected there might be some political motivation behind the complaints.

“Sadly, it’s politics, and it is what is,” he told Stuff.

A sense of worldly duty requires us to warn Scott Brown’s new hosts that they should be prepared to deal with Mr. Brown for quite some time. The odds are quite high that, by the time Scott Brown’s ambassador gig is up, he will have once again forgotten where his house is and will, when the next New Zealand elections roll around, insist that he has actually lived in New Zealand since he was but a wee pup and is therefore the perfect person to represent his new constituents in [insert any identifiable elected position here]. So you’ll have that to look forward to. Our apologies.

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This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.


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