First off, Tucker Carlson is a gibbering idiot. This is a fact. What are not facts are the things Carlson spews five nights a week on Fox News. Even Fox News said so, in defending Carlson and itself from a lawsuit accusing Carlson of slander. Carlson didn’t commit slander, the Fox lawyers argued, because no one with any sense should believe anything out of his mouth. The judge (a Trump appointee) agreed.
So, Carlson and Fox News have been indulging their license to spew bullshit 24/7, most recently in the case of the “October surprise” garbage revolving around Hunter Biden and the Laptop of Doom. We’ve never been exactly clear on what the laptop “proves” Biden and his father Joe were up to, but, we’ve been assured by Carlson and his fellow stooges, it was terrible! No good, awful, law-breaking, you name it, it’s on there! Never mind that the laptop almost certainly is a product of Russian intelligence, or that the story as farmed to the New York Post was so ridiculous that Post staff writers refused to allow their names on its byline.
There’s more details: the “shocking” material on the laptop has been shopped around in Kiev since last spring, and some idiot named Tony Bobulinski, who has put his fat mug in Fox News cameras bloviating about Hunter Biden and shady Ukrainian dealings for the last few days, was involved with the Trump campaign’s attempt to sell the story to the Wall Street Journal well before they gave it to the Post.
Well, last night, Carlson did the virtual equivalent of dropping the entire story into the Hudson River with a cinder block chained to it.
You weren’t watching Carlson last night and neither was I, but plenty of people were, and they got an unexpected treat. Carlson went on the air and told his lapdog audience that he had Shocking New Incriminating Documents that Proved the Bidens are a Major Crime Family!!! The garbage on the laptop is All True! Really!
Okay, shocking new evidence, I gotcha. Your old “shocking new evidence” got ripped to shreds by the not-quite-so-credulous-as-they-were-in-2016 news media, so you come up with More Shocking New Evidence. (Anyone reminded of “birther queen” Orly Taitz, who in April 2011 went on MSNBC ostensibly to apologize about her lies concerning Obama’s birth certiificate, only to instead start flashing Shocking New Evidence about Obama’s Selective Service documents? Lawrence O’Donnell rightly berated her and threw her off the show.)
Anyhow. Something unusual happened with the Shocking New Evidence (hereafter referred to as the SNE, or maybe as OMGLOLBS). Carlson was going to share the SNE with his spellbound audience, but something happened to stop that.
Carlson lost them. More accurately, UPS lost them. They were the only copies Carlson had, and, well, stupid UPS lost them. Whaddya gonna do?
On Monday we received from a source a collection of confidential documents related to the Biden family. We believe those documents are authentic, they’re real, and they’re damning … We texted a producer in New York and we asked him to send those documents to us in LA … He shipped those documents overnight to California with a large national carrier brand … But the Biden documents never arrived in Los Angeles. Tuesday morning we received word from the shipping company that our package had been opened and the contents were missing. The documents had disappeared. …[T]hose documents have vanished. As of tonight, the company has no idea – and no working theory even – about what happened to this trove of materials, documents that are directly relevant to the presidential campaign.
Damning! Shocking! Bombshells! Run for cover, Sleepy Joe! Well, run for cover anyway, even though we lost the Shocking New Evidence That Will Ruin Your Campaign This Time For Sure, By Golly You Betcha.
Check out the comments on Twitter if you want to enjoy Carlson getting his Twitter teeth kicked in.
Damning Hunter Biden documents suddenly vanish pic.twitter.com/B2qsajZlID
— Tucker Carlson (@TuckerCarlson) October 29, 2020
Here’s a few selected bits as chosen by The Guardian and The Independent:
BREAKING: Documents Tucker Carlson never actually had that would allegedly blow up the election were so important that they were sent via DHL, and now can’t be found despite copiers, iPhone cameras and security cameras. ???????????? https://t.co/9yKkDAUh2v
— Shannon Watts (@shannonrwatts) October 29, 2020
did you check underneath Trump’s healthcare plan https://t.co/Ec9PBvdBRu
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) October 29, 2020
Like Tucker, I also send my super secret documents through the mail and fail to make a copy. https://t.co/QFNgRGBjPz
— ????Boo ( Drew ) Savicki ???? (@SenhorRaposa) October 29, 2020
The dog ate my October surprise. https://t.co/2IwEh5sWAq
— David Rothkopf (@djrothkopf) October 29, 2020
Why the fuck didn’t you just email them pic.twitter.com/bSIxTrIchb
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) October 29, 2020
(Sarah Cooper also “admitted” that she stole the documents in a later tweet. Carlson fans: she’s LYING. It’s a JOKE. Please write for further explanations.)
And writer Oliver Willis celebrated the Biden/Deep State victory:
Good job in getting the Very Important Documents, team. Now nobody will get in the way of our Plan to install Biden and implement Full Communism. HAIL HYDRA! https://t.co/JUfxxw0nJB
— Oliver Willis (@owillis) October 29, 2020
Hail HYDRA indeed, Oliver! (Hey, my Twitter avatar is Captain America’s shield. I feel a bout of cognitive dissonance coming on…)
And The Lincoln Project’s Tom Nichols congratulated Carlson on his clever strategy of claiming the documents exist(ed), allowing him to whip his viewers into their nightly frenzy without actually having to, um, produce them and have them publicly eviscerated and stuff.
If you think about it, this is a brilliant strategy. Now the fever swamp viewers of Carlson’s nightly 60 minutes of hate can just imagine what those documents are and how bad they are, instead of Tucker risking getting sued or caught with fakes. https://t.co/0jRL3G319A
— Tom Nichols (@RadioFreeTom) October 29, 2020
But, huzzah! UPS found the package! Fox News viewers are weeping in relief. Carlson is celebrating last night’s panic drinking binge with more tequila shooters! Maybe he’ll do jello shots from a sumo wrestler’s navel before going on the air tonight!
Carlson tried to blame Dark Figures for stealing the documents, perhaps with UPS’s collusion, because, well, Shocking New Evidence, ya know. The Daily Beast‘s Will Sommer wrote this morning:
While Carlson never explicitly said the documents were stolen by some deep-state surveillance network, he implied as much, saying the documents had disappeared from the mailing company’s network and couldn’t be found even after an exhaustive search.
Yeah, well, it was just another global shipper doing what global shippers do, misplacing packages. It happens every day, Tucker old bean.
Carlson said the package was found, but it was “open and empty.” Deep-state conspiracy EXPOSED!
So, anyhow, we’ll see what Tequila Tucker and his coterie of idiots decide to do for tonight. Will the documents be, um, documented and shows for All to Admire? Will he claim that they were stolen by Shadowy Agents of B.I.D.E.N. and Squirrelled Away Never to be Seen Again Unless Trump Wins Re-Election? Stay tuned, constant readers. We’ll know soon enough.
I can’t fucking wait.
This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.