Do I need to take lessons on how to convincingly act like a MAGA in case Donald Trump ever returns to the White House? Because Kyrsten Sinema and Joe Manchin seem determined to make that happen. And if the following fundraising email is any indication, Trump demands naught but abject obeisance from his subjects.

So I know getting a dopey red hat is a must, but my genuflecting skills have atrophied over the past several decades since I stopped being a Christian. Can I get away with half-assing a genuflection to an iron-fisted despot? I’m not sure that’s the kind of info you can Google.

Sadly, I’ve never been very good at worshiping, and if Donald Trump is the designated worshipee, I’d rather just assume the role of goat sacrifice and be done with it. You’ve had a great run, America! Now cut that carotid artery and turn me into spicy gyros, tout de suite.

Of course, a vanishingly small number of Republicans have actually managed to hang onto their threadbare souls over the past several years. Two of these are Illinois Rep. Adam Kinzinger and never-Trump media personality Charlie Sykes. On Thursday, Sykes posted a bonkers National Republican Congressional Committee fundraising message that sounded more like a ransom note than a donor appeal.

Sykes asked, “Who writes this sh*t? And does it work?”

Kinzinger’s reply: “Satan (indirectly) and yes.”


And here’s the NRCC message:

“You’re a traitor …

“You abandoned Trump.

“We were told you were a tried & true, lifelong patriot. But when Trump said he’d run for President if we took back the House from Nancy Pelosi…. You did nothing. Was Trump wrong about you?

“This is your final chance to prove your loyalty or be branded a deserter. We’re giving you one final chance to stand with Trump. You only have 17 min >>>”

Holy fuckballs, that’s some frightening shit. But at least conservatives aren’t sheep, right?


Ugh. I am so done with this. End simulation! Please!

No? Okay, fine. It was worth a shot.

It made comedian Sarah Silverman say, “THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT,” and prompted author Stephen King to shout “Pulitzer Prize!!!” (on Twitter, that is). What is it? The viral letter that launched four hilarious Trump-trolling books. Get them all, including the finale, Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, at this link. Or, if you prefer a test drive, you can download the epilogue to Goodbye, Asshat for the low, low price of FREE.

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This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.


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