So I woke up this morning to discover Prince Philip had died. In the span of a few vertiginous moments, my emotions swung widely from indifference to mild interest and back to indifference. I went through the five stages of grieving 99-year-old men I didn’t know pretty quickly. I got to acceptance in no time, and then finally settled on crossword puzzles. It was a real roller coaster ride.

I don’t want to seem callous, but the guy was 99—and part of a family that really exists just for show. They’re a glorified animatronic Chuck E. Cheese band, if we’re being honest.

But for some reason, conservatives love them like they love every outmoded institution filled with out-of-touch white people. And so when one of them dies—again, at the age of 99—there’s got to be some nefarious reason for it.

Enter Fox & Friends’ Brian Kilmeade, the Outback Steakhouse lunch counter’s answer to the Algonquin Round Table:


KILMEADE: “There are reports that he was enraged after the interview and the fallout from the interview with Oprah Winfrey. So here he is trying to recover, and then he gets hit with that. He also is reportedly very transparent about his distaste for Fergie when she was married to Prince Andrew for a while. She was a little bit different for the royal family’s taste, I guess. So 99 years old, he just passed away.”

So why is Prince Philip (and I know I keep harping on this, but the dude was 99!) dead?

Was it the accusation that his son Andrew had had sex with a minor in three separate locations? 

No, that can’t be it.

Was it his own racism, sexism, and buffoonish xenophobia rotting him from the inside out? 

Of course not!

It was that mixed-race American girl, naturally. Oh, and Fergie. Let’s not forget her. There’s another mouthy woman who corroded Philip’s body and soul until he just couldn’t hang on for another minute.

I’m sorry Prince Philip died, but he had a pretty good run. Everyone deserves a dignified sendoff. And maybe he wanted someone in the U.S. media to pin his death on the one person of color in the family. Or maybe that’s just the kind of nonsense Fox & Friends’ audience wants and expects to hear.

That said, maybe we simply don’t need to ponder any further the mystery of the 99-year-old man who is no longer with us. Scotland Yard is no doubt on the case.

”This guy is a natural. Sometimes I laugh so hard I cry.”  Bette Midler on author Aldous J. Pennyfarthing via Twitter. Need a thorough Trump cleanse? Thanks to Goodbye, Asshat: 101 Farewell Letters to Donald Trump, Dear F*cking Lunatic, Dear Pr*sident A**clown and Dear F*cking Moron, you can purge the Trump years from your soul sans the existential dread. Only laughs from here on out. Click those links, yo!

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