Please queue up the sad-sweet violin of “Ashokan Farewell.” Is it playing? Okay then …
Lest I should not be able to write you again, I feel impelled to write lines that may fall under your eye when our great nation has been undone by the failure of President Boom Boom Dealmaker Very Good Brain to buy an ice-covered rock at the top of the world.
Though our conflict with Denmark is of but a few days duration, those days have posed a severe test to the boundaries, not simply of our nation, but of reality itself. I am keenly aware of how strongly American Civilization now leans upon the random scribblings of a man who cannot remember if this whole thing began as a joke. And I am willing—perfectly willing—to lay down all my joys in this life, to help Donald Trump conquer Greenland. … Wait. No. No I am not. That’s just … nuts.
Donald Trump is refusing to meet with the Prime Minister of Denmark because that nation refuses to hand over territory to the United States. That’s not a joke. That’s also not reasonable or rational or appropriate in any sense. This is the diplomacy of a toddler in a pre-school sandbox … a badly trained toddler.
Greenland is an island about three times the size of Texas, 80% of which is covered by ice. It’s a place so harsh that it proved inhospitable to Vikings. Vikings. But over the last week what began as “Man, this time it has to be a joke” has exploded into a mini-war with Denmark. Not a war? Yeah, perhaps there’s another term for when you’re threatening diplomatic relations over a demand for territory, but war will do.
Someone might want to let Trump know that the place was named “Greenland” as part of a deceptive marketing campaign. Because … no, you can be sure that he’s not aware of this. But he does realize that doing something this outside the bounds of reason is a great distraction.
Of course, a lot of that ice on Greenland is melting. It’s melting precisely because people like Donald Trump are doing everything they can to extract every last gram of carbon out of the dirt and pump it into the air. As a result, the ice cap over Greenland is melting at a record rate, pouring billions of tons of melted water into the oceans. That means that Florida, including the only valuable part, Mar-a-Lago, is going to be underwater even sooner than expected. And Trump will need a new place to build a golf course.