Devin Nunes is still suing an imaginary cow, and still subpoenaing people who might know the cow


For reasons nobody can quite ascertain, Rep. Devin Nunes is suing a fake cow and a fake relative for defamation. (The fake cow and fake relative are two distinct entities, to make that clear. We are not suggesting that Devin Nunes was sired by livestock, though we are thinking it loudly.)

Nunes, who is a public figure and who therefore can be insulted, satirized or parodied by anyone in America who damn well wants to, who is a possible Russian agent and definite moron who now faces potential House ethics charges for hiding his direct, personal involvement in attempting to collect election-useful “dirt” on possible Donald Trump opponent Joe Biden, even while sitting as ranking Republican member of the House committee investigating Trump’s lawbreaking while attempting to do the same thing, has now issued a subpoena on a former Democratic National Committee employee who he thinks may have somehow have sekrit knowluge of the cruel, vicious bovine/parent behind Twitter accounts Devin Nunes’ Cow and Devin Nunes’ Mom.

Again, it’s not clear why Nunes, who is just astonishingly dumb and who always smells like fish and burning tires, a man who attended Bovine University and graduated Grade B, is doing this. But ex-DNC strategist Adam Parkhomenko and his lawyer aren’t playing Devin’s little game, and have asked the (Virginia!) court to quash the subpoena against him on grounds of it being deeply and irrevocably Stupid, even by Devin Nunes standards. From their filing, as reported by The Fresno Bee:

“No reasonable person would believe that Devin Nunes’ cow actually has a Twitter account, or that the hyperbole, satire and cow-related jokes it posts are serious facts. It is self-evident that cows are domesticated livestock animals and do not have the intelligence, language, or opposable digits needed to operate a Twitter account. Defendant ‘Devin Nunes’ Mom’ likewise posts satirical patronizing, nagging, mothering comments which ostensibly treat Mr. Nunes as a misbehaving child.”

It’s entirely possible that Rep. Nunes, a man who was raised by feral goats on the Russian steppes before being accidentally locking himself in a shipping container and being delivered to Fresno, California, alongside hundreds and hundreds of cans of expired beans, does not understand these basic concepts of parody. He would have no reason to, back on the placid grasslands of his homeland. It appears to be up to our courts to explain these things to him.

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Knock knock who’s there, mooooomy, moooooomy who? It’s your mooooother you dumbass. (I tried)