Dear Washington Post, I’m interested in the position of conservative pundit at your paper. It’s true that I’m not a very accomplished or talented writer, but that doesn’t seem to be in the job description, so I should be good there. As far as I can tell, what is required is simple: to write heavily biased, unresearched editorials that “counterbalance” the more rational arguments by most of the other columnists you employ.

I can do that!

Despite not having any experience, I believe I’m very capable of intense mediocrity and outright jaw dropping stupidity. I understand how important it is to be part of the grand tradition of mocking and disparaging people of other more reasonable political persuasions who read your paper. And I’m ready to accept the buckets of scorn and humiliation that will pour down on me in the comments section, or from anyone in public that figures out who I am and is not a member of the Federalist Society. In fact, as a paid human punching bag, I acknowledge that the worse it gets, the more valuable will be my contribution to the Post. 

Of course, I realize that others currently hold this position, but I would like to point out that a potential predecessor such as Henry Olson wrote some pieces a few years ago that were highly critical of President Trump, and that his lame attempts to get back into the game are not up to your journalistic requirements. In fact, I recognize that Hugh Hewitt has far surpassed him, with his actually going on the radio with Mr. Trump and broadcasting it to the world. I could only, of course, aspire to this level of commitment, but if you give me a chance I might surprise you.  

Here’s a brief example of my work based on recent headlines:

Republicans May Get Last Laugh Concerning President Trump’s Psychic Abilities

Radical Left Wing Democrats might be digging their own grave with their latest hubristic hullabaloo of ridicule over President Trumps’ recently revealed telekinetic abilities. It should be realized that the president did not make this revelation lightly, indeed he was forced into it by the wild witch hunt whipped up by ruthless far left Dem apparatchiks like Adam Kinzinger, Jamie Raskin, and of course, Nancy Pelosi.

There is a reason QANON has risen in stature: they have known this secret all along. And when the president retakes his rightful position and begins rampaging and crushing his enemies with the sheer awesome power of his mind, we will see who is left laughing.

Okay, I acknowledge that it’s rough, but I think it will get the job done.

Other qualities that will be helpful for the job:

I have no actual opinions about anything and I have no shame.

One more thing, I understand that there is no requirement that I have to believe any of this, right?

Thanks, and I look forward to hearing from you.

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This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.


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