Coming soon to a Trumper Tantrum near you

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CBC News / YouTube Donald Trump talks possible impeachment Michael...
CBC News / YouTube

Well, the walls are closing in on Der Gropinfuror at long last. Which will put the Pampers President under even more pressure. But if there’s one thing that can be said about Trump, it’s that he is grace under pressure. By that I mean that he says grace, and then pops the lid on another bucket of KFC. I honestly believe that his famous “covfefe” tweet was due to greasy fingers between a wing and a drummer.

But one thing is for certain, Trump is gonna need a whole lot more distraction ammo to attempt to keep noticing his myriad of misdeeds as they are being exposed. And considering the fact that Trump’s personal intellect is about as inspiring as a piece of kale (blanched), he’s going to have to get his new nonsense howitzer shells from somewhere. So, I decided to do a little research (no shit, I really did) in Trump’s favorite sloughs of drivel, and try to find some of the things that you can look forward to seeing in a 3 am poop tweet, or hearing at a cabinet meeting pool spray near you. *Spoiler Alert* These are all actual headlines, with accreditation to their source provided

San Francisco Drug Addicts Now Outnumber High School Students   Infowars

Man, oh man, Alex Jones really hit a grand slam for Trumpenstein here. Trump can tie the drugs part to the flood of illegal narcotics coming across our unguarded southern border, hence the national emergency, as well as hitting Nancy Pelosi for the decadence of her own home turf. He may tweet this one out before I finish the freakin’ article!

Disturbing: Aborted babies used to create animal human hybrids   Infowars

Never let it be said that nobody pays any attention to Trump anymore. Alex Jones was obviously listening to the SOTU, and hand crafted this vile “article” to buttress Trump’s abortion claims. The garbage post comes complete with a picture of a small rodent on what appears to be a baby blanket. How can Trump resist?

¼ of French believe elites using mass migration to replace native Europeans   Breitbart

Trump must feel like he’s at a Golden Corral buffet with the way these clods just keep bringing out more and more aluminum tubs of shit for him to pile on his plate. We’re right back to the southern border again, and maybe this time, he can get a guest pass for Steve King to share a meal with him.

Gowdy: Schiff only interested in undoing the 2016 election results   Breitbart

Because nothing says “investigative excellence” quite like spending multiple years and millions of dollars investigating Hillary Clinton over Benghazi, and failing to uncover a damn thing. But if Trump uses this drivel, at least it’ll give Schiff his belly laugh for the day

Poll: Approval 49%   Drudge Report

The poll that the Drudge Report is using is the Rasmussen daily Presidential poll, ‘nuff said. Obviously Drudge is hoping to highlight the popularity number in such a way to get people to not click on the article itself, since Rasmussen also says that 37% “strongly approve,” w hi;e 42% “strongly disapprove,” which gives His Lowness a net Presidential rating of -5. And since Trump has the attention span of a slumbering 3 toed sloth, he’ll never get past the main page headline.

Female politician resigns after licking, groping city managers genitals   Drudge Report

This is obviously Drudge’s attempt to cheer Trump up in his time of travail. The City Commissioner, Nancy Oakley was accused of licking the city managers face and groping him. I bring this one up so that we can all watch for the name Nancy Oakley to be nominated for a cabinet level position soon.

Opinion: Why Republicans should do more to court Men   Daily Caller

Wow, talk about flogging a deceased equine. Considering the fact that the GOP base consists almost solely of old, white men, and Trump has already backed bed sheet wearing idjits like Steve King and Cindy Hyde-Smith, I don’t know much more courtship there can be short of a shotgun wedding. But if this catches his eye, you can look forward to a lot more jock strapping shortly. Who knows, maybe even more “locker room talk.”

GUILFOYLE: Trump’s State of the Union Was A Grand Slam   Daily Caller

In case you’re wondering, yeah, we’re talking about the same former Fox The Five host Kimberly Guilfoyle, that is currently taking horizontal aerobics classes with Donald Trump Jr. Nonetheless, she will undoubtedly be one of the “very fine people” Trump quotes as thinking his SOTY is the greatest oration since the Gettysburg Address

Vampire Boy Leaves A-Negative Mother For B-Positive Babysitter   World News Daily

OK, you got me, that one I made up myself. But considering Trump’s IQ, I am not taking prepubescent bloodsuckers off of the potential tweet bait list

So, there you have it, a short list of things you might want to keep an eye out for on your Android, or spouting out of the speakers of your TV over the next couple of days. The funny thing is that all of these are headlines from todays selections on the main page of the website, and the sad thing is that, considering Trump apparently taking Sicario: Day Of The Soldado as a documentary, it is actually plausible that any of these things could be on his Twitter feed by days end. Reality, what a concept, huh?

Follow me on Twitter at @RealMurfster35

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2 Comments on "Coming soon to a Trumper Tantrum near you"

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Michael owens
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Michael owens

Its alright saying the walls are closing in!!… but know one has the balls to get rid of Trump…while people speak the end is near for trump, its not!!!!!!!.. until someone does something/anything to remove him. He will sit in the WH with his snout in the trough

Alfred Higgins
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Alfred Higgins

That would be, “Flogging a deceased pachyderm”, if you please!