“If we combine forces now, we can avert climate catastrophe.”   UN Secretary-General António Guterres

You can’t do it where you’re killing jobs.”   Florida Governor Rick Scott

My Fellow Citizens of Alderaan: 

As you’re doubtless aware, the Galactic Empire has completed construction of its new Orbital Battle Station, or as the doom-and-gloom left prefers to call it, the “Death Star.”  These professional alarmists insist that unless we take action immediately to destroy this station, the very fate of our planet may be at stake!  In fact, we do not know the Empire’s plans for their new space weapon.  But one thing we do know:  If these anti-Imperial zealots get their way, thousands of ordinary Alderaanians will lose their jobs. 

From the agricultural products that go into the Imperial Stormtroopers’ nutritional slurry pouches, to the factories that manufacture their ineffective body armor and poorly-calibrated blasters, to the suppliers of the billions of gallons of white paint it takes to keep the station’s 30,000 square mile exterior shiny and bright, Alderaanian businesses profit from an ongoing revenue stream from the Death Star estimated to be in the tens of billions of galactic credits per annum.  Indeed, given its economic impact, we really should be calling it the “Jobs Star”!

Now, though, extremist Rebels say we must end all this by using the plans Princess Leia smuggled out on a droid to find a weakness in the battle station’s defenses and destroy it.     Their so-called “experts” say our current course is unsustainable, and that if we don’t act, we may soon reach a “tipping point” after which it will be too late to stop Grand Moff Tarkin from vindictively using Alderaan — a peaceful planet that poses no threat to the Empire — as a target to test their new weapon.  On this dubious basis, we’re asked to eliminate a key business partner or face catastrophe. 

The truth is that our planet does face an existential threat – but not from witnessing the firepower of a fully armed and operational battle station.  The real catastrophe for Alderaan would be if the Death Star were destroyed, putting millions of middle-class Aldraanians out of work to appease rebel ideologues and their regressive campaign to subvert free enterprise.    There’s no reason supplying the Death Star can’t be compatible with liberal priorities like preserving the habitat of our planet’s cloyingly adorable CGI talking animals, if we reject rebel histrionics and instead embrace pragmatic, centrist solutions — such as shutting up and doing whatever Emperor Palpatine says. 

“Saving the planet” is all well and good, but you simply can’t do it where you’re killing jobs.  That would be the true Disturbance in the Force – the Force of economic growth that….

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This is a Creative Commons article. The original version of this article appeared here.


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